OUCH! by MR.E.

OUCH! by MR.E.

Monday, June 24, 2013

U.S. GRADUATING STUDENTS LEAD THE WORLD

U.S. GRADUATING STUDENTS LEAD THE WORLD

IN...


after school brawls


athletic team sado-homo teabagging


belly button piercing


cellphone text messaging


class skipping


date rape


detention


dropping out


fire alarm pulling


food fights


locker combination reminders


pencil sharpening


prom night alcohol-related car crash fatalities


promiscuity


science lab vandalism


textbook margin doodling


untied shoelaces




COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Friday, June 14, 2013

IN LOVE? DON'T DIVE INTO HER FAMILY'S GENEPOOL

IN LOVE? DON'T DIVE INTO HER FAMILY'S GENEPOOL

IF...


her home town's local color is "white trash," and the main industry is tattooing


she refers to her family as "kinfolk"


they keep livestock in the house


there are old tires burning in their backyard


they still have their Christmas lights up and on in June


a shelf in the refrigerator is reserved for clean urine


the family business is snitching


their home movies are videos of their appearances on "Springer" and "Cops"


family reunions invariably end with someone shouting at the rest, "I'll see you in Hell!"


she's the first in her family to, not only graduate from school, but also to wear shoes


the wedding gift registry is at the liquor store


one of the gifts on the registry is a spare tire cover with the words "Life is Good" on it


your wedding ceremony is to involve dancing with poisonous snakes and speaking in tongues


at the wedding reception they'll toast the happy couple by tipping a jug of corn squeezins


her mother met her father after jumping out of an over-sized cake at a stag party


as a child, her parents told her that Santa didn't come on Christmas Eve and leave presents because he got Lyme disease from a reindeer tick


for her sweet sixteen birthday, her parents gave her an inscribed pool cue and an ashtray stolen from "The Bottom's Up Lounge"


with her mother, the best way to ingratiate yourself is by slipping dollar bills into her g-string


when her noncustodial father comes through town and visits, her brings her a box of chocolates and silk stockings


her incarcerated stepfather's previous work experience as a getaway driver was ratted out by an unknown snitch


her mother met her latest live-in boyfriend "cute" when, by mistake, they were each given the other's methadone at the free clinic


her grandfather- four words: court-ordered chemical castration


her brother is the cutup of the family- because he cut up the family


her uncle's institutionalized for stalking student nurses


her aunt's currently awaiting trial for attempting to scam a fast food chain by claiming to have found a human foot in a bucket of chicken


cousins are considered viable sex partners


annual fireworks display memorium for cousin who died mishandling fireworks


they haven't mistook your name for "Mark," they're referring to you as "the mark"


COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Monday, June 10, 2013

YOU'RE BETTER OFF NOT DANCING AT THE PROM

YOU'RE BETTER OFF NOT DANCING AT THE PROM

IF...

people can hear you doing it

the other dancers are slipping in your sweat

you’re the only white guy there

you’re Carrie

your dance-partner thinks you’re fighting diarrhea and points you towards the rest room

paramedics insist on sticking something between your teeth to keep you from swallowing or biting your tongue

you’re wearing tights and a tutu

the song playing is “It’s Raining Men”

it’s a slow dance and you came with your sister

you’ve a conjoined twin

you’re a slasher disguised as a teacher and there’s butcher’s cutlery hidden under your corduroy jacket

it’s during the memorial moment for that kid who had cancer




COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Friday, June 7, 2013

WHAT NOT TO SAY WHEN SHE CATCHES YOU STARING AT HER CHEST

WHAT NOT TO SAY WHEN SHE CATCHES YOU STARING AT HER CHEST

"Mama mia!"


"Are they real?"


"Let's play submarine; I'll be the Captain, you be the periscope."


"So, which club do you strip at?"


"Honk, honk!"


"Go back to sleep- this is just a dream."


"You'll never drown, that's for sure."


"What'd they cost you?"


"You're only my half-sister, anyway."


COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.