OUCH! by MR.E.

OUCH! by MR.E.

Friday, July 24, 2015


 Ooh... You Are Awful is a 1972 British comedy film Directed by Cliff Owen; Produced by E.M. Smedley-Aston, Sidney Gilliat, and Frank Launder; Written by John Warren and John Singer. Its alternative title on its North American release was Get Charlie Tully.

Before his death, Reggie Campbell Peek deposited a stolen £500,000 into a Swiss bank account. But Peek left a record of the account number: the digits tattooed on the bottoms of four young women, none of whom know the value of their asset. His friend and partner-in-crime Charlie Tully, using his talent as a "master of disguise" - sets out to locate those women, and gain sight of the digits. Meanwhile, Tully is being watched by other - more dangerous - criminals.


Conmen Charlie Tully and Reggie Peek have successfully conned a couple of Italian men, and are making an easy escape with £500,000. Flushed with success, Tully is unable to resist running a "quick and easy" minor con on a passing American tourist. But "quick and easy" unexpectedly goes awry, and Tully is arrested. While Tully is imprisoned, Peek manages to escape and deposit the £500,000 in a Swiss bank account. Eventually, when Tully is finally released, he is met by Peek, intending to give him the bank account number. But Peek has been having an affair with the sister of London crime lord Sid Sabbath, and his reunion with Tully is cut short when Peek is murdered, on the orders of Sabbath.


Peek has left a record of the bank account number, but in an unusual way. Befitting his reputation as a womaniser, the digits are tattooed on the bottoms of four young women. Tully adopts a range of disguises, to track down each woman in turn to see her naked bottom. Meanwhile, Tully's antics are being tracked by other - more dangerous - criminals: from London and Rome...


The first woman Tully finds is a British Rail announcer, who disrobes inside a photo booth at Waterloo Station.  The second is a bride on her wedding day, who is exposed in front of her guests.  The third is the daughter of a peer, who Tully spies through her bedroom window.  Fourth and last is a policewoman at a police training school. Tully enters the school, dragged up as a trainee WPC. After spying on a multitude of nubile young recruits, he discovers the digits during a physical training session.


Throughout, Tully is confronted by members of Sid Sabbath's gang, with orders to kill - only for them to mysteriously die themselves. Tully thinks he is "lucky", while Sabbath thinks Tully is perhaps a one-man army. But neither realise Tully is being secretly guarded by Italian gangsters. It transpires the two Italian men, conned at the start of the movie, had Mafia connections - and a "Godfather" has ordered Tully be kept safe until he can be brought to Rome...

Dick Emery                 Charlie Tully
Derren Nesbitt             Sid Sabbath
Ronald Fraser              Reggie Campbell Peek
Pat Coombs                 Libby Niven
William Franklyn        Arnold Van Cleef
Cheryl Kennedy          Jo Mason
Norman Bird               Warder Burke
Roland Curram            Vivian
Liza Goddard               Liza Missenden Green
Ambrosine Phillpotts   Lady Missenden Green
Brian Oulton                Funeral Director


Monday, July 20, 2015



Once when I was a young lad- or just "a lad" (are there "old" lads?), my mother, while making my bed, found an issue of Playboy I'd hidden.

Later, confronting me about it, she asked, "What was this dirty magazine doing under your blanket?"

I told her, "It was cold."

Though things may be different today, back then Playboy really wasn't a "dirty magazine."

In fact, the Playmate of the Month was presented as a rather wholesome girl next door; this is still true, providing that one lives out past the industrial park and next door to "Cooter's Juice Bar."

Publisher Hugh M. Hefner claims the girls remain "fresh off the farm;" but I don't remember Daisy Mae having a tattoo across the small of her back and a ring piercing her labia.

Instead of growing up with an all-American family life, the current crop of centerfolds were most likely raised in foster care.

Whereas long ago the "Playmates" were nurses, teachers, secretaries, or hoped to someday work with animals, today a surprising number of them pose nude in the magazine to please and fulfill destinies prophesied by their noncustodial fathers.

This may also explain why the lure of having sex with "Hef"- a viagra-dosed, unwrapped mummy- is hard for a surgically enhanced twenty year old bleached blond to resist.

Seemingly though, the exposure (play on words) can be parlayed (pun) into a legitimate show business career of dancing suggestively in the background of rap music videos (the old switcheroo).

It used to be that the rival Penthouse "Pets" were presented as sexually aggressive; and, as if to emphasize this, they all had exotic and vaguely foreign-sounding names which, of course, were made up.

Realistically, there just aren't that that many white women named "Monique."

In contrast, Playboy "Playmates" had virginal-sounding names ending in "y," "ie," or just "i"- like "Brandy," "Brandie," and "Brandi" (the "i" often dotted with a terminally cute smiley face; try to find a girl who does that today- and isn't writing with crayons).

The reason both magazines' sales have dropped at the newsstand is because pornography no longer needs to be disguised with fiction by John Updike, a preview of the upcoming college football season, an interview with Sting, and a paranoid expose on crop circles; also, because Hustler's Barely Legal shows close-ups of the snatch.

Additionally, their decrease in sales appears to be a consequence of "free" pornography available on the internet; this, in turn, makes Playboy's traditional advertising copy, "What sort of man reads Playboy?" even more relevant today.

To answer: one who realizes you can't bring your eMac into the bathroom with you to masturbate.


Friday, July 3, 2015


A group of teenagers visit a lake with intentions to spend the weekend there. Despite warnings from the locals, the group continues with their weekend plan and soon discover the lake is cursed.  Filmed in Wisconsin!

COREY HAIM  as Albert
Corey Ian Haim (December 23, 1971 – March 10, 2010) was a Canadian actor, known for a 1980s Hollywood career as a teen idol. He starred in a number of films, such as Lucas, Silver Bullet, Murphy's Romance, License to Drive, Dream a Little Dream, and Snowboard Academy. His best-known role was alongside Corey Feldman in The Lost Boys, which made Haim a household name.  Haim's early success led to money and fame, and he began using drugs by age fifteen. He had difficulties breaking away from his experience as a teen actor, and was troubled by drug addiction throughout his later career. He died of pneumonia on March 10, 2010.

Haim broke into acting at the age of ten, playing the role of Larry in the Canadian children's educational comedy television series The Edison Twins, which ran from 1982 until 1986.  He made his feature film debut in the thriller Firstborn (1984), starring alongside Teri Garr, Sarah Jessica Parker and Robert Downey, Jr. as a boy whose family comes under threat from his mother's violent boyfriend, played by Peter Weller.


In 1985, Haim appeared in minor roles in Secret Admirer and Murphy's Romance, alongside Sally Field, of whom he was reportedly in awe. He went on to secure the leading role in Silver Bullet, Stephen King's feature adaptation of his own lycanthropic novella, playing a paraplegic teen living in Tarker's Hill, Maine, who warns his uncle (played by Gary Busey) that their town is being terrorized by a werewolf.  Haim began to gain industry recognition, earning his first Young Artist Award as an Exceptional Young Actor starring in a Television Special or Movie of the Week for the NBC movie A Time to Live, in which he played Liza Minnelli's dying son.

Haim's breakout role came in 1986, when he starred alongside Kerri Green, Charlie Sheen, and Winona Ryder as the titular character in Lucas, a coming-of-age story about first love and teen angst, which centers on an intelligent misfit who struggles for acceptance after falling for a cheerleader.  In 1987, he starred in the tv series Roomies with Burt Young; and Haim had a featured role alongside Corey Feldman as a comic-reading teen turned vampire hunter in Joel Schumacher's The Lost Boys.


Next came, License to Drive (1988), co-starring Feldman and Heather Graham, and the horror film Watchers (1988), adapted from the Dean R. Koontz novel, in which he played a teen who befriends a highly intelligent dog altered by military research, leading to the two being pursued.  Haim and Feldman next teamed in the metaphysical romantic comedy Dream a Little Dream (1989), in which Haim played Dinger, a student with moussed hair and ripped jeans who walked with a cane after his mother ran over his leg in her Volvo, but who still managed to remain confident.

In 1990, Haim co-starred with Patricia Arquette in the sci-fi actioner Prayer of the Rollerboys, performing many of his own stunts in a tale of a teen who goes undercover to expose a racist gang leader.  However, as his problems with drugs continued, Haim began to lose his core audience. His performances suffered, and his film career in the 1990s declined into direct-to-video releases as his habit ruined his ability to work.


In 1991, Haim starred in Dream Machine, which received a direct-to-video release, as did Oh, What a Night and The Double 0 Kid (both 1992).  Additional direct-to-video films included the 1992 erotic thriller Blown Away (also with Feldman) and Just One of the Girls (1993); both co-starred Nicole Eggert, who had been romantically involved with Haim since also appearing in The Double O Kid.

In 1993, Haim starred in a full motion video game called Double Switch, which was released for the Sega CD and later for the Sega Saturn, as well as for the home computer.  He next appeared in Fast Getaway II (1994), National Lampoon's Last Resort (1994), and Dream a Little Dream 2 (1995)- the last two alongside Feldman- and Life 101 (1995)


In 1996, Haim starred in four more direct-to-video films Fever Lake, Never Too Late, Snowboard Academy, and Demolition High. In 1997 he co-starred in Busted with Feldman, who also directed. Feldman was forced to fire Haim after he refused to curtail his drug use and was inconsistent on set.  Haim then had a minor role in the television film Merlin: The Quest Begins (1998) and appeared on the series PSI Factor. In 1999, he appeared uncredited in Wishmaster 2, and the sequel to Demolition High, Demolition University (1999), on which he was credited as an executive producer.

In 1999, Haim shot a troubled low-budget independent film called Universal Groove in Montreal, using then-emerging digital technology. He played a film director interacting with eight characters over the course of one night on the techno club scene.  Haim attempted to return to the industry in 2000 with the direct-to-video thriller, Without Malice, with Jennifer Beals and Craig Sheffer. He hoped that playing the role of an ex-addict who conceals a murder with his sister's fiance would offer him a transition from teen fare.

Haim appeared in spoof horror movie The Back Lot Murders (2002), alongside Priscilla Barnes. Able to poke fun at himself, he appeared on the tv series Big Wolf on Campus (2002), and made a cameo in David Spade's Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (2003), a film about a former child star, which included an array of actual former child stars, including Feldman.

Universal Groove was released in 2007.  In February 2008, filming commenced in Vancouver for Lost Boys: The Tribe, a direct-to-DVD sequel.  He turned up on the set obviously under the influence and was unable to remember his lines.  His one scene only appeared during the closing credits.  In July 2008, Haim completed filming on the gambling comedy Shark City in Toronto with Vivica A. Fox, Carlo Rota and David Phillips. By late July, Haim had become destitute and homeless in Los Angeles.


In 2009 he appeared as himself in Trade In (2009); and, sporting a blond mullet, in the actioner Crank: High Voltage alongside Jason Statham, Amy Smart and Dwight Yoakam. Haim completed two films scheduled for a 2010 release: The Hostage Game (aka American Sunset) and The New Terminal Hotel.  His last film, Decisions, shot in December 2009 and released 2011, he stars as a cop working with troubled kids.

On March 10, 2010, after Haim's mother phoned 9-1-1, paramedics took Haim from their home to Providence Saint Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, where he was pronounced dead at 2:15 a.m. He was 38 years old. Los Angeles police stated that his death appeared to be an accidental overdose and that four bottles containing Valium, Vicodin, Soma (a muscle relaxant) and Haloperidol (an anti-psychotic) were retrieved, later confirmed as prescribed by a specialist, but that no illegal drugs were found at the scene. It emerged that Haim had used aliases to procure 553 prescription pills in the 32 days prior to his death, having "doctor-shopped" seven different physicians and used seven pharmacies to obtain the supply, which included 195 Valium, 149 Vicodin, 194 Soma and 15 Xanax.  The Los Angeles County Coroner's Office ruled that Haim's death was due to pneumonia.

Directed by Rafe M. Portillo; Written by Jalee Bailey and Michael Edwards; Produced by Jamie Elliott and Ralph E. Portillo

Also starring:
BO HOPKINS  as Sheriff Harris
filmography includes:  The Wild Bunch (1969), American Graffiti (1973), The Nickel Ride (1974), Day of the Locust (1975), The Killer Elite (1975), A Small Town in Texas (1976), Tentacles (1977), Midnight Express (1978), Dynasty (tv; 1981)

MARIO LOPEZ (Saved by the Bell)  as Steve
Lauren Parker  as Sarah
Randy Josselyn  as Bobby
Mary-Rachel Foot  as Daniell