ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Though he's been called the "greatest comic mind ever" whose writing "not only captures the imagination, but tortures it as well"; others have called him a "serial playground flasher." He has been described by many to be friendly and generous, and not a bit deserving of all those restraining orders.
Like most people his age, he's forty; and after years of wild hedonism, he surprisingly has never been convicted of anything. Regarding those ritually murdered streetwalkers, his name has been cleared.
Considered to be an intellectual, MR.E. is well known to have an unquenchable thirst not only for knowledge- but also for rum; however he does not drink any more- or any less. Regarding his use of illegal drugs, it should be noted that he does them only for charity.
Now is the Winter of his discontent... which is why he wears a lot of sweaters. A local celebrity of sorts; MR.E is often stopped on the street and asked, "Hey, aren't you the guy who went berserk and took hostages at that cheerleader camp?"
Concerning the mishap that caused the closure of his formerly owned nightclub, he can hardly be blamed that many of his patrons were wearing flammable clothing. Giving back to the community, he rewinds videos for the poor; and also trains seeing-eye dogs to play along with tv game shows.
Able to retire wealthy, his motto is: “life's too short not to take the time to stop and smell the cocaine." As he paraphrases W.C. Fields: "two eighteen year old tootsies are way better than one thirty-six year old trophy wife with a brat in boarding school."
A self-described "health nut," his daily fitness regimen begins every morning with a bowel movement promptly at 6 am; then, after he wakes at 7 am, he jogs down Martin Luther King Blvd. dressed as the Interlocutor from a Minstrel Show. MR.E loves all races; and he points to his frequenting an all-Asian massage parlor as proof.
Currently a practicing Buddhist, he hopes someday to get it perfect; until then, he will violently oppose the use of force. An insecure agnostic, he has no faith in himself.
But God did come to him in a vision! Astoundingly as it was that the Lord would choose him to spread His word of love, it was even more so that He'd use such filthy language when He spoke. MR.E is believed to be the only person the Pope has ever punched in the face.
Considered by many to be an enigma- he is, in fact, white. His father is from buffalo, and his mother from human beings. As a baby, he was breast-fed until he could ask for it by name. Having been left an orphan at age 13, he plans in a few more years to fuck her when she's older.
Some people have show business in their blood, MR.E has it in his jism; before embarking on a writing career, he found success in several popular porno films- many of them hetro! Some of his more memorable movies include "Lawrence of the Labia," "Seven Brides for Seven Inches," and "Three Men and a Baby."
He also studied prestidigitation under a world-renown magician and was taught the secret to sawing a woman in half; more importantly, he was also taught how to dispose of the body. His ex-girlfriends are best described by what they were last seen wearing. Sorry ladies, MR.E is no longer single and is currently dating a stay-at-home non-mom.
As someone who "always sees the glass as half full," he became an alcoholic; but he's not the kind of person who needs recreational drugs to get through the day, he needs them to inspire sexual fantasy at night. Despite the problems they've had over the years, he still holds a deep love for jailbait porn and smoking crack.
COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
