OUCH! by MR.E.

OUCH! by MR.E.

Friday, July 6, 2012

EXCUSES FOR BUYING A PORN MAG LAST FRIDAY NIGHT

EXCUSES FOR BUYING A PORN MAG LAST FRIDAY NIGHT


the short fiction by John Updike


to flirt with the cute transexual working at the cash register


you're sending it to a soldier in Iraq


two o'clock in the morning is the slow time of your day


your sister's on pages 69-73


you plan to jack off as soon as you get home


it's something to read on the airplane


to see if they printed your question about stereo speakers


you thought "Peach Fuzz" was a journal for U.S. Produce Inspectors; and "Tweety Pies and Puddy Tats" was for kids- not featured kids. (At least that's what you told the F.B.I. Agent, who found them stashed in your car trunk Monday while executing a federal search warrant obtained Sunday after you emailed a jpeg of your cock Saturday to the undercover officer you thought was a 13 year old Lolita you met online Friday.)


you were sleepwalking because of the meds


you have a big purple birthmark covering half of your face and hideous acne scars on the other half; plus, you're hunchbacked and bucktoothed


your computer's on the fritz


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ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.