OUCH! by MR.E.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

SATURDAY STAND-UP: STEVE MARTIN

on The Midnight Special

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Friday, November 15, 2013

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 Zombie Nightmare MST3K Adam West

Mystery Science Theater 3000, often abbreviated MST3K, is an American cult television comedy series created by Joel Hodgson and produced by Best Brains, Inc. The show premiered on KTMA in Minneapolis, Minnesota on November 24, 1988. It later aired on The Comedy Channel/Comedy Central for another six seasons until its cancellation in 1997. The show was then picked up by the Sci-Fi Channel and aired for another three seasons until its final cancellation in August 1999.

The show mainly features a man and his robot sidekicks who are imprisoned on a space station by an evil scientist and forced to watch a selection of bad movies, as part of a psychological experiment, and frequently preceded by short public-domain non-educational films. To stay sane, the man and his robots provide a running commentary on each film, making fun of its flaws, and wisecracking their way through each reel in the style of a movie-theater peanut gallery. Each film is presented with a superimposition of the man and robots' silhouettes along the bottom of the screen. The film is interspersed with skits tied into the theme of the film being watched or the episode as a whole.

Hodgson originally played the stranded man, Joel Robinson, for four and a half seasons. When Hodgson left in 1993, series head writer Michael J. Nelson replaced him as new victim Mike Nelson and continued in the role for the rest of the show's run. The robots, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, and Gypsy, are puppets created from a variety of household objects, manipulated and voiced by other cast members who rotated over the course of the show's run.

Zombie Nightmare is a 1986 zombie film directed by Jack Bravman. This movie was filmed in the suburbs of Montreal, Canada. In the beginning of the film a little boy named Tony Washington (Jesse D'Angelo) watches his father William Washington (John Fasano) play in a baseball game. On the way home Tony, William and Tony's mother Louise (Francesca Bonacorsa) see a young girl (Tracy Biddle) about to be raped by two teenagers. William saves the young girl from being raped but is killed when one of the rapists stabs him.

Years pass, and Tony (Jon Mikl Thor) is now grown up. When Tony comes back home, Louise reminds him about the groceries. Tony leaves to get groceries. Meanwhile, a group of teenagers Bob (Allan Fisler), Amy (Tia Carrere), Jim, Peter, and Susie are at a bar. They are soon kicked out because they are underage. Bob suggests they try to find some sleazy chicks and they take off in a car, driving recklessly down the street.

Tony, now a musclebound teenage baseball player, is leaving a small grocery store where he had helped disrupt an attempted robbery. As he steps out of the store and into the road, he is run over by the gang of teenagers. Tony’s mother contacts one of her neighbors, a voodoo priestess, who happens to be the young girl who was saved by Tony's father earlier in the film when Tony was a child. She resurrects Tony as a zombie. Zombie-Tony goes on a killing spree, hunting down and killing the teenagers responsible for his death.

The police captain, played by Adam West, turns out to be corrupt, and is one of the original attackers from the attempted rape of the young voodoo priestess. He follows Tony to the cemetery where he shoots and kills the priestess and her zombie, only to be pulled down into Hell by Tony's father.

Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson

Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo

Trace Beaulieu as Crow T. Robot and Dr. Clayton Forrester

Frank Conniff as TV's Frank

Jim Mallon as Gypsy

Mary Jo Pehl as Magic Voice and Cokie Roberts

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Monday, August 19, 2013

I LOVE MY ASIAN GIRLFRIEND

I LOVE MY CHINESE GIRLFRIEND
BECAUSE SHE...

helps me with math

does my laundry

gets a cheap price on fireworks

kung fus my enemies

can't drive for shit

has tiny disfigured feet from them having been bound as a child

can beat me at ping pong

sleeps with a stuffed panda bear

loves to smoke and gamble

is an excellent gymnast

believes her family descended from a dragon

has a horizontal vagina

I LOVE MY VIETNAMESE GIRLFRIEND
BECAUSE SHE...

definitely does not surf

cooked, then ate the puppy I gave her for Christmas

swears she has never worked as a massage parlor hooker

doesn't have an Adam's Apple

is so horny and loves me long time

thinks that Francis Ford Coppola was a distinguished American Military officer

cost me fifty dollars and three pair of Levi's jeans

I LOVE MY JAPANESE GIRLFRIEND
BECAUSE SHE...

doesn't speak English (or does she? that sneaky bitch)

gives me a back massage with her feet

has both a schoolgirl uniform and a sailor suit in her wardrobe, and wears Hello Kitty underwear

serves me sushi off of her naked body

reads comic books about chromed metal robots having sex with humans

exits a room walking backwards while bowing

lives for the release of the next Final Fantasy video game

drives a car that transforms into a giant boxy robot

on the 4th of July was heard to exclaim: "God bress Amelica!"

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Monday, July 29, 2013

NEGATIVES FOR A STRIPPER

c-section scar

anything festering

breast cancer survivor

Adam's apple

grandchildren

nipple hair

only strips to John Denver songs

smells like fish

lives in a convent with curfews

flipper arms

morbidly obese