OUCH! by MR.E.

OUCH! by MR.E.

Monday, December 29, 2014

12 MIDNIGHT SUSPECTS: An Inspector Charming Five Minute Mystery

12 MIDNIGHT SUSPECTS: An Inspector Charming Five Minute Mystery*

*actual time may vary

A bolt of lightning struck a tree on the north side of the palace grounds, and thunder clapped its ominous approval. Inside, the ascendant to the throne suddenly stepped from the shadows and into the drawing room light. Hands regally on his hips, he waited for the last bong of the town’s bell to finish echoing. It had just turned midnight.
Forsaking his rightful crown for a badge, the tough- yet still princely, Inspector Charming majestically surveyed those in his presence; then spoke, “I suppose you’re all wondering why I called you here tonight.” His faithful manservant, Helot, introduced those in attendance.
Standing nervously by the fire and smoking a salmon, was mafia-connected “Sidney Applebaum,” the Mattress King- now with eight locations! To his side, the pedigree bitch, “Lady Gwendolyn,” a Yorkshire Terrier, sat on a leash; while her chaperone, Broadway Queen “Carol Channing,” blew bubbles into flat champagne. “Sergi Bendova,” a homosexual of great acclaim and self-described ‘longtime companion,’ sat sipping Smirnoff (by the seashore); he did not attend, and “sends his regrets- via postcard.”
Stirring a cocktail with a shaking hand was retired surgeon, “Dr. Howard Fine.” Howard, whose breakthrough work with the disease Dutch Elm saved that country’s shoe industry, poured the concoction into the waiting IV bag of “Colonel Catsup.” Once the young hero of the Frankfort Bun Battle of 1857 varieties, he is now nearly two hundred years old; yet, despite his age, he avidly breathes and takes pleasure in blinking on a near-daily basis.
Sneering on the divan, champion pimento-stuffer, “Miss Anne Thorpe, accompanied by her brother Gil,” athletic coach and comic strip character. Behind them, Asian prodigy “Mi Luv Yu” -longtime tiddly-winker and fellatio enthusiast- stood near the window, avoiding eye contact by tightly closing hers.
Distracted, “Malcolm X” (not the person you’re thinking of: this one had his nose stolen by an uncle as a child- and it was never recovered! Also, he’s white) affected nonchalance thinking he’d been caught furtively peeking down the cleavage of reclining ecdysiast “Cinnamon Buns” who shared the same name with a baked goods heiress, and had mistakenly received the invitation meant for the aforementioned Pillsbury dough girl.
“Lord Peter Tork” cowered in the back; one half of the trio ‘The Pee-Wee Quartet,’ he holds a world record for ruptured testicles. Glamorously attired and her neck encrusted with diamonds (she refuses to moisturize), “Helena Handbasket” -star of the long-running ‘Million Mile Dash,’ tapped her foot impatiently waiting for the Inspector to reveal his intestines (Editor’s Note: shouldn’t this read, ‘intentions?’). “And Mr. Scott Peterson,” late of California, and husband of Lacey- also late.
Having concluded his task, Lackey retreated. Inspector Charming lit and puffed his pipe; after passing it along, he put his foot up on the royal dog and grimly addressed the group, “One of you... is a murderer!”
After the matter had been settled (did you solve who done it?), and they dragged the sleaze away, those who remained, sang a rousing chorus of “Buffalo Girl Wont You Come Out Tonight” while Cinnamon stripped!


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