OUCH! by MR.E.

OUCH! by MR.E.

Monday, July 20, 2015



Once when I was a young lad- or just "a lad" (are there "old" lads?), my mother, while making my bed, found an issue of Playboy I'd hidden.

Later, confronting me about it, she asked, "What was this dirty magazine doing under your blanket?"

I told her, "It was cold."

Though things may be different today, back then Playboy really wasn't a "dirty magazine."

In fact, the Playmate of the Month was presented as a rather wholesome girl next door; this is still true, providing that one lives out past the industrial park and next door to "Cooter's Juice Bar."

Publisher Hugh M. Hefner claims the girls remain "fresh off the farm;" but I don't remember Daisy Mae having a tattoo across the small of her back and a ring piercing her labia.

Instead of growing up with an all-American family life, the current crop of centerfolds were most likely raised in foster care.

Whereas long ago the "Playmates" were nurses, teachers, secretaries, or hoped to someday work with animals, today a surprising number of them pose nude in the magazine to please and fulfill destinies prophesied by their noncustodial fathers.

This may also explain why the lure of having sex with "Hef"- a viagra-dosed, unwrapped mummy- is hard for a surgically enhanced twenty year old bleached blond to resist.

Seemingly though, the exposure (play on words) can be parlayed (pun) into a legitimate show business career of dancing suggestively in the background of rap music videos (the old switcheroo).

It used to be that the rival Penthouse "Pets" were presented as sexually aggressive; and, as if to emphasize this, they all had exotic and vaguely foreign-sounding names which, of course, were made up.

Realistically, there just aren't that that many white women named "Monique."

In contrast, Playboy "Playmates" had virginal-sounding names ending in "y," "ie," or just "i"- like "Brandy," "Brandie," and "Brandi" (the "i" often dotted with a terminally cute smiley face; try to find a girl who does that today- and isn't writing with crayons).

The reason both magazines' sales have dropped at the newsstand is because pornography no longer needs to be disguised with fiction by John Updike, a preview of the upcoming college football season, an interview with Sting, and a paranoid expose on crop circles; also, because Hustler's Barely Legal shows close-ups of the snatch.

Additionally, their decrease in sales appears to be a consequence of "free" pornography available on the internet; this, in turn, makes Playboy's traditional advertising copy, "What sort of man reads Playboy?" even more relevant today.

To answer: one who realizes you can't bring your eMac into the bathroom with you to masturbate.


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