TURN ONS / TURN OFFS

amphetamines / barbiturates

bondage / knots

candle lit dinners / candle lit vigils

double clap / double clap again

18 year old girls / 18 year old porn

ejaculating on lover / ejaculating on keyboard

fishnet stockings / fish

girls who wear gingham / girls who wear strap-ons

high heels and short skirts / high cousins short on cash

Hilary Duff / Hillary Clinton

multiple orgasms / multiple contusions

LAWRENCE TIERNEY

nursing students / nursing mothers

Riunite on ice / Smuckers on Ice featuring Brian Boitano

stimulants / depressants

underage girls / undecover cops

walking barefoot on the beach / walking barefoot through sewage

watching tv / everything else

 

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: NIGHT TRAIN TO MURDER (1983) Eric MORECAMBE & Ernie WISE

Eric Morecambe (John Eric Bartholomew; May 14, 1926 –  May 28, 1984) and Ernie Wise (Ernest Wiseman; November 27, 1925 –  March 21, 1999), were a British comic double act, working in variety, radio, film and most successfully in television. Their partnership lasted from 1941 until Morecambe's death in 1984. They have been described as "the most illustrious, and the best-loved, double-act that Britain has ever produced."

In 1941 they were each booked separately to appear in Jack Hylton's revue, Youth Takes a Bow at the Nottingham Empire Theatre. War service broke up the act but they reunited by chance at the Swansea Empire Theatre in 1946. They made their name in variety, appearing in a variety circus, the Windmill Theatre, the Glasgow Empire and many venues around Britain. After this they also made their name in radio, transferring to television in 1954. Their show, Running Wild, was not well received and led to a damning newspaper review: "Definition of the week: TV set – the box in which they buried Morecambe and Wise." Eric apparently carried this review around with him ever after and from then on Eric and Ernie kept a tight control over their material. In 1956 they were offered a spot in the Winifred Atwell show with material written by Johnny Speight and this was a success.

ERIC MORECAMBE

ERNIE WISE

They had a series of shows that spanned over twenty years (Running Wild, BBC, 1954; writers Leonard Fincham, Lawrie Wyman.  Two of a Kind, ATV, 1961–1968; writers: Dick Hills and Sid Green.  The Morecambe & Wise Show, BBC, 1968–1977; writers: Hills and Green for one series, and thereafter Eddie Braben.  The Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise Show, BBC Radio 2, 1975-1978; writer: Eddie Braben.  The Morecambe & Wise Show, Thames Television, 1978 until their final show together at Christmas 1983; writers: themselves, Barry Cryer, John Junkin, and from 1980, Eddie Braben.) during which time they developed and honed their act, most notably after moving to the BBC in 1968, where they were to be teamed with their long-term writer Eddie Braben. It is this period of their careers that is widely regarded as their "glory days."

The pair starred in three feature films during the 1960s—The Intelligence Men (1965), That Riviera Touch (1966), and The Magnificent Two (1967). In 1983 they made their last film, Night Train To Murder.

Night Train to Murder is a 1984 British comedy film directed by Joseph McGrath and starring Morecambe and Wise. It was the last work that Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise worked on together before Eric's death in 1984, Morecambe being in poor health at the time of filming. It was written as a pastiche of the works of various writers including Agatha Christie and Edgar Wallace and is set in 1946, featuring Morecambe and Wise ostensibly as 1940s versions of themselves.

The duo's move from the BBC to Thames in 1978 was a much publicised media event, and one of the main reasons for their move was to make films and move away from the format of the Morecambe & Wise Show that had proved so popular in the last decade. The film was completed in late 1983 but not shown until after Morecambe's death the following year. It was originally made with a laughter track but when shown, and later released on both VHS and DVD this was absent.

The film features a plot of family members dying in strange circumstances and the two leads are drawn into this when Eric's niece Kathy (Lysette Anthony) is visited by the family's lawyer, played by Fulton Mackay. It was made largely on location and produced on video tape. The closing moments of the film see Eric and Ernie walking off together, onto the next gig, making it their final screen image together.

Also appearing: Lysette Anthony, Edward Judd, Margaret Courtenay, and Kenneth Haigh.

 

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

WINTER BIRD WATCHING IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

As Fall carries on in upstate New York, the leafs inevitably change color then float to the ground covering the lawn (new homeowners and city refugees need not worry, they do grow back in the Spring- unlike those fingertips you lost clearing that obstruction in the mulcher); and most birds will fly south for the coming Winter and the hot Latin music.

Those avian remaining behind- perched frozen to bare branches and telephone wires- were the subjects of our northern expedition- and not surprisingly the object of concealed ridicule by the more affluent members of their flocks.

Treking into the deep forest, Kelly, our guide, raised high hopes of sighting a Frigid Twitch chattering away with icicles affixed to its beak or a Redheaded Doxy sucking a stiff worm; but, alas, the outing was abruptly halted after accidentally traipsing into a frosty creek- we were soaked up to the ankles (why did I leave the house wearing bunny slippers?)!

It came to pass that only a Blue-Faced Screamer was observed: attempting to land on an icy birdbath, it skidded off and embedded in a snow bank- leaving a deep imprint in its exact shape much like the Coyote in a Road Runner cartoon.

Later, sipping hot cocoa in a cozy Mom & Pop hospital emergency room somewhere in Togatoga, our sniffles were quelled, but not our dream of someday hearing the mournful call of a Canadian Loon: "Coo- roo- coo- coo, Coo- roo-" aak-choo! (those last two notes were de trop- somebody "geshundteit" me- and toot sweet!).

Perhaps one will fly down for the Fountainbleu's Salsa Weekend May 6, 7 and 8!  Hot-cha cha-cha!

COPYRIGHT 2007-2016 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR. 

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: THE FANTASTIC FOUR (1994)

The Fantastic Four is an unreleased low-budget superhero film completed in 1994. It was produced on a low-budget by Roger Corman and Bernd Eichinger, who went on to produce the Fantastic Four movie in 2005. The film was based on the long-running comic book by Marvel Comics and featured the origin of the Fantastic Four and that superhero team's first battle with the evil Doctor Doom, combining the team's origin from The Fantastic Four #1 and Doom's origin from Fantastic Four Annual #2 with original elements.  It stars: Alex Hyde-White as Reed Richards / Mister Fantastic, Rebecca Staab as Sue Storm / Invisible Woman, Jay Underwood as the Human Torch / Johnny Storm, Michael Bailey Smith as Ben Grimm, Carl Ciarfalio as the Thing, and Joseph Culp as Doctor Doom.  Also appearing are: Kat Green as Alicia Masters, Ian Trigger as the Jeweler, and George Gaynes as the Professor.

In 1983, German producer Eichinger met with Marvel Comics' Stan Lee at Lee's Los Angeles home to explore obtaining an option for a movie based on the Fantastic Four.  The option was not available until three years later, when Eichinger's Neue Constantin film company obtained it for a price the producer called "not enormous" and which has been estimated to be $250,000.  Despite some interest from Warner Bros. and Columbia Pictures, budget concerns precluded any production, and with the option scheduled to expire on December 31, 1992, Neue Constantin asked Marvel for an extension.  With none forthcoming, Eichinger planned to retain his option by producing a low-budget Fantastic Four film, reasoning, he said in 2005, "They didn't say I had to make a big movie."  In September 1992, he teamed with B-movie specialist Roger Corman, who agreed to produce the film on a $1 million budget.

Production began on December 28, 1992 under music video director Oley Sassone.  Storyboards were drawn by artist Pete Von Sholly.  The three week production was shot on the Concorde Pictures sound stage in Venice, California, as well as in Agoura, California for a spacecraft-crash scene, the Loyola Marymount campus for a lab-explosion scene, and the former Pacific Stock Exchange building in downtown Los Angeles for team-meeting scenes.

Costume designer Réve Richards recalled in 1993 going to Golden Apple Comics on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles to buy Fantastic Four comic books for research, and, upon explaining his task, "[T]hese people in the store just swarmed me and said, 'You are going to be faithful to it?'  And I told them, 'This is why I am buying these books.'"  Paul Ahern was hired as weapons consultant, and Scott Billups for computer visual effects.  The special-effects makeup was by John Vulich and Everett Burrell of Optic Nerve.  Stuntman Carl Ciarfalio, who wore a rubber suit to portray the monstrous superhero Thing, worked with actor Michael Bailey Smith, who played the Thing's human self, Ben Grimm, so that their mannerisms would match.  During the months of post-production, music composers David and Eric Wurst personally contributed $6,000 to finance a 48-piece orchestra for the soundtrack.

Starring: Alex Hyde-White as Reed Richards / Mister Fantastic; Rebecca Staab as Sue Storm / Invisible Woman; Michael Bailey Smith as Ben Grimm; Carl Ciarfalio as the Thing; Jay Underwood as the Human Torch / Johnny Storm; and Joseph Culp as Doctor Doom. Also appearing: Kat Green as Alicia Masters; Ian Trigger as the Jeweler; and George Gaynes as the Professor.

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

CELEBRITY SITTING DUCKS

001. There's no condoning murder, but extensive polling of a wide cross-section of the world's population shows that if chosen to sit on the jury, they'd never convict the killer of KRIS KARDASHIAN

002. Correction: DUCK DYNASTY's PHIL ROBERTSON's arrest last week wasn't for indecent public exposure, it was for indecent overexposure

003. It's well known that NICHOLAS CAGE outbid Leo DiCaprio at auction to own a genuine dinosaur skull. Today, despite financial problems, he has also managed to purchase the bones of Victor Buono

004. When TARA REID is as dead as her career, it's stipulated that the mortician dress her in urine-stained and cigarette burned clothes crusted in vomit: that way her friends will still recognize her

005. Inaction hero, TOBY McGUIRE is such a somnambulant actor that all his movies are described by studio executives as "sleepers"

006. NICOLE KIDMAN has it contractual that all mirrors be removed before she enters a room; not because she's aging and vain, but rather- she casts no reflection

007. While it is true that AL PACINO is indeed "an actor's actor- able to mesmerize an audience just by reading the telephone book;" but when "Inside the Actor's Studio" host JAMES LIPTON said it on a recent show- it sounded really, really gay

008. Bi-sexual coke-slut LINDSAY LOHAN's most recent hospitalization for "exhaustion" was blamed not on her having alcohol and drug addiction problems, but on her having to haul around such huge knockers

009. Where Are They Now? Dept. I ran into La Bamba star LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS the other day: while stopped at a red light, he came up to my car and offered to wash my windshield. What a guy!

010. The truth behind neo-flowerchild DREW BARRYMORE not leaving her on-set trailer and holding up movie production for more than an hour- she was mesmerized by the mechanics of a light switch

011. No one really "loves to hate" THE X FACTOR's SIMON COWELL; it's more accurate to just say that people hate him

012. Admit it- you think that drug-addled PAULA ABDUL looks like Zira from The Planet of the Apes

013. -and that TORI SPELLING is the female version of Rondo Hatton

014. -and that smelly CHRISTOPHER WALKEN is nothing more than Henry Silva 2.0

015. Academy Award winner JENNIFER LAWRENCE has already been cast in another big screen adaptation of a book series; this time it's the film version of "Archie"- in it, she'll be playing "Big Moose"

016. Gorgeous NIKKI COX and creepy scumbag JAY MOHR celebrated their wedding anniversary with a party at the chic L.A. eatery "Chic;" among the guests, SATAN- to whom the no talent Mohr clearly has sold his soul

017. At a recent ROLLING STONES concert, the irony was obvious- MICK JAGGER singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" while waiting backstage for him in his dressing room were two teenage Brazilian models snorting coke

018. Paparazzi photos of JENNIFER LOPEZ have caused speculation that she's either going to have a baby- or had just eaten one

019. There is a growing feminist movement demanding that immediately upon his immanent death, a wooden stake be driven through HUGH M. HEFNER's heart for good measure

020. When he was married to DEMI MOORE, there was a family court order that ASHTON KUTCHER be monitored and never left alone with any of her and BRUCE WILLIS's teenage daughters- but only so he didn't attempt to help them with their school homework (they were dumb enough already)

021. Hollywood memorabilia currently up for sale on eBay, the actual cellphone used by JENNIFER ANISTON to phone in his latest performance in another superfluous film

022. While clothes shopping on Melrose, GWYNETH PALTROW was mistaken for a mannequin and, despite her monotoned protesting the contrary, the staff dressed her in a different outfit, and posed her in the store's display window where she remained until closing

023. Can8ian sk8er girl AVRIL LAVIGNE shocked fans outside trendy L.A. club "Trendy" by posing for the paparazzi's photos- and not flipping them the bird

024. Jerking off accidentally into some food that is later eaten has been done in 1000’s of porno movies; but when the FARELLY BROTHERS do it it’s hilarious. Maybe someday they’ll put a scene like that in one of their movies

025. How many KATE HUDSON's does it take to screw in a light bulb? None; that's what Mexican houseboys are for

026. Despite earlier reports, it was just a pile of garbage that was lit on fire and left to burn in a vacant lot in L.A. and not actor CHARLIE SHEEN

027. Tweeny-bopper ELLE FANNING has more millions in the bank than she is years old. She didn't get the moolah from her acting career; rather, she actually did get a nickel for every time the middle aged father of one of her fans pictured her naked

028. Broadway audiences will soon see martial arts master JACKIE CHAN treading the boards in an all-singing, all-dancing retelling of the Communist Revolution in China; the musical extravaganza will be entitled "Chairman Wow!"

029. Despite her acting acclaim, AMANDA SEYFRIED has shown that as a box office draw she should only accept roles that require nudity

030. Remember hill BILLY BOB THORNTON? Neither do I.

031. This just in: KEANU REEVES rushed to the hospital! The "actor" claimed his "brain hurt" while on the set of his latest movie. He had taken a friendly wager from visiting Scientologist JOHN TRAVOLTA; at the time of his collapse, Reeves was attempting to prove he could count to 100 by fives. Days later, when asked if Keanu paid up after losing the bet, Travolta replied, "Yup! And it was one of the best blowjobs I'd ever received!"

032. Girl most likely (to've grown up on a commune): MOON BLOODGOOD is winner of the Stupidest Name in Hollywood Contest! (You were thinking it too). SHIA LeBEOUF and DIABLO CODY tied for a close second

033. Something fun to do with your old vinyl records: get a bunch and spray paint them gold; wait by the red carpet outside this year's Grammy Awards, and when you see FERGIE and the BLACK EYED PEAS- frisbee them at their heads

034. What has happened to HELEN HUNT's head? She's been working with her nose so close to the grindstone that she looks like you could chop wood with her face

035. Lemons Out of Lemonade Dept.: JENNA JAMESON's autobiography charting her success in the porno industry is a truly inspirational story of what can be still be achieved with one's life after being sexually abused as a child. You go girl!

036. Your secret's out! All those literary references DENNIS MILLER makes come from his seeing the movie- and not from actually reading the book! Similarly, those he makes about European philosophers, comes from his watching MONTY PYTHON reruns

037. The pretension was so thick during her recent "Inside the Actor's Studio" appearance, that the best advice on acting ANGELINA JOLIE could give to the students: "Go for it!"

038. Assembly line filmmaker TYLER PERRY has recently taken up the painstakingly intricate Buddhist sand art in which pictures are created using one grain at a time; so far he's completed over three hundred

039. The show business success of SELENA GOMEZ only proves the old saying that "you can't have success without 'suck'"

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: MR. MIKE'S MONDO VIDEO (1979) Michael O'Donoghue, Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, Gilda Radner

MR. MIKE'S MONDO VIDEO

Mr. Mike's Mondo Video is a 1979 movie executive produced by Lorne Michaels; and conceived and directed by National Lampoon/Saturday Night Live writer/featured player Michael O'Donoghue. A spoof of the controversial 1962 documentary Mondo Cane.  It features appearances by Dan Aykroyd, Edie Baskin, Robert Delford Brown, Rhonda Coullet, Jane Curtin, Carrie Fisher, Teri Garr, Joan Hackett, Debbie Harry, Sarah Holcomb, Margot Kidder, Wendie Malick, Brian McConnachie, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, Klaus Nomi, Don Novello, Patty Oja, Emily Prager, Gilda Radner, Root Boy Slim, Paul Shaffer, and Sid Vicious

Mr. Mike's Mondo Video was originally produced on videotape as an NBC television special that would have aired in place of Saturday Night Live during one of its live breaks. Because of the film's racy content (and in the wake of a ratings slump they were experiencing), NBC declared it inappropriate for the network and canceled it.  Shortly thereafter, independent studio New Line Cinema acquired the rights to Mondo Video, converting the videotape master to 35 mm film for theatrical release. To pad the program to feature length, filmmaker Walter Williams created a special Mr. Bill Show episode, combining footage from his past Mr. Bill shorts from SNL with new wraparound scenes, to present at the head of the film as a short subject. Co-writer Mitchell Glazer states in the DVD's audio commentary that many other scenes were added to pad the film's runtime to the required 90 minutes for theatrical releases. The film would eventually be seen on television, albeit on pay cable and syndication, with several cuts, such as the non sequitur "Dream Sequences."

Aykroyd displaying his webbed toes which he prodded with a screwdriver to prove they were not make-up.  A church that worships Jack Lord as the one true god (also featuring Dan Aykroyd).  A French restaurant that prides itself on how poorly it treats American patrons.  "Dream Sequence" a series of surreal film pieces bracketed by large light-up signs reading "Dream Sequence" and "End Dream Sequence" that track towards and away from the camera. One of these is merely performance footage of Klaus Nomi, while another features home movie footage shot by Emily Prager intercut with stop-motion animation.  Jo Jo, The Human Hot Plate — a quick cutaway to performance artist Robert Delford Brown, smiling, undulating and dressed only in a pair of briefs while holding canned spaghetti in his cupped hands.  The presentation of a classified government weapons project, "Laserbra 2000". This piece is the last of a triptych of sequences that chronicle attempts to obtain the classified footage. In the first, the film (secreted in a violin case) is in fact someone's home movies; in the second, the violin case contains a violin. National Lampoon writer Brian McConnachie appears in the footage as a scientist.  Short films made by other directors: "Cleavage" by Mitchell Kriegman — closeup of a hand working its way out from (what is implied to be) between a large pair of breasts, feeling around gently, realizing where it was, and working its way back in.  "Crowd Scene Take One", by Andy Aaron and Ernie Fosselius — purports to be a director guiding background actors for a disaster movie scene. "Uncle Si and the Sirens" — anonymously-directed silent-era "nudie-cutie" short found by SNL alumnus Tom Schiller.

Michael O'Donoghue

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.