OUCH! by MR.E.

OUCH! by MR.E.

Monday, January 6, 2014


001. There's no condoning murder, but extensive polling of a wide cross-section of the world's population shows that if chosen to sit on the jury, they'd never convict the killer of KRIS KARDASHIAN

002. Correction: DUCK DYNASTY's PHIL ROBERTSON's arrest last week wasn't for indecent public exposure, it was for indecent overexposure

003. It's well known that NICHOLAS CAGE outbid Leo DiCaprio at auction to own a genuine dinosaur skull. Today, despite financial problems, he has also managed to purchase the bones of Victor Buono

004. When TARA REID is as dead as her career, it's stipulated that the mortician dress her in urine-stained and cigarette burned clothes crusted in vomit: that way her friends will still recognize her

005. Inaction hero, TOBY McGUIRE is such a somnambulant actor that all his movies are described by studio executives as "sleepers"

006. NICOLE KIDMAN has it contractual that all mirrors be removed before she enters a room; not because she's aging and vain, but rather- she casts no reflection

007. While it is true that AL PACINO is indeed "an actor's actor- able to mesmerize an audience just by reading the telephone book;" but when "Inside the Actor's Studio" host JAMES LIPTON said it on a recent show- it sounded really, really gay

008. Bi-sexual coke-slut LINDSAY LOHAN's most recent hospitalization for "exhaustion" was blamed not on her having alcohol and drug addiction problems, but on her having to haul around such huge knockers

009. Where Are They Now? Dept. I ran into La Bamba star LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS the other day: while stopped at a red light, he came up to my car and offered to wash my windshield. What a guy!

010. The truth behind neo-flowerchild DREW BARRYMORE not leaving her on-set trailer and holding up movie production for more than an hour- she was mesmerized by the mechanics of a light switch

011. No one really "loves to hate" THE X FACTOR's SIMON COWELL; it's more accurate to just say that people hate him

012. Admit it- you think that drug-addled PAULA ABDUL looks like Zira from The Planet of the Apes

013. -and that TORI SPELLING is the female version of Rondo Hatton

014. -and that smelly CHRISTOPHER WALKEN is nothing more than Henry Silva 2.0

015. Academy Award winner JENNIFER LAWRENCE has already been cast in another big screen adaptation of a book series; this time it's the film version of "Archie"- in it, she'll be playing "Big Moose"

016. Gorgeous NIKKI COX and creepy scumbag JAY MOHR celebrated their wedding anniversary with a party at the chic L.A. eatery "Chic;" among the guests, SATAN- to whom the no talent Mohr clearly has sold his soul

017. At a recent ROLLING STONES concert, the irony was obvious- MICK JAGGER singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction" while waiting backstage for him in his dressing room were two teenage Brazilian models snorting coke

018. Paparazzi photos of JENNIFER LOPEZ have caused speculation that she's either going to have a baby- or had just eaten one

019. There is a growing feminist movement demanding that immediately upon his immanent death, a wooden stake be driven through HUGH M. HEFNER's heart for good measure

020. When he was married to DEMI MOORE, there was a family court order that ASHTON KUTCHER be monitored and never left alone with any of her and BRUCE WILLIS's teenage daughters- but only so he didn't attempt to help them with their school homework (they were dumb enough already)

021. Hollywood memorabilia currently up for sale on eBay, the actual cellphone used by JENNIFER ANISTON to phone in his latest performance in another superfluous film

022. While clothes shopping on Melrose, GWYNETH PALTROW was mistaken for a mannequin and, despite her monotoned protesting the contrary, the staff dressed her in a different outfit, and posed her in the store's display window where she remained until closing

023. Can8ian sk8er girl AVRIL LAVIGNE shocked fans outside trendy L.A. club "Trendy" by posing for the paparazzi's photos- and not flipping them the bird

024. Jerking off accidentally into some food that is later eaten has been done in 1000’s of porno movies; but when the FARELLY BROTHERS do it it’s hilarious. Maybe someday they’ll put a scene like that in one of their movies

025. How many KATE HUDSON's does it take to screw in a light bulb? None; that's what Mexican houseboys are for

026. Despite earlier reports, it was just a pile of garbage that was lit on fire and left to burn in a vacant lot in L.A. and not actor CHARLIE SHEEN

027. Tweeny-bopper ELLE FANNING has more millions in the bank than she is years old. She didn't get the moolah from her acting career; rather, she actually did get a nickel for every time the middle aged father of one of her fans pictured her naked

028. Broadway audiences will soon see martial arts master JACKIE CHAN treading the boards in an all-singing, all-dancing retelling of the Communist Revolution in China; the musical extravaganza will be entitled "Chairman Wow!"

029. Despite her acting acclaim, AMANDA SEYFRIED has shown that as a box office draw she should only accept roles that require nudity

030. Remember hill BILLY BOB THORNTON? Neither do I.

031. This just in: KEANU REEVES rushed to the hospital! The "actor" claimed his "brain hurt" while on the set of his latest movie. He had taken a friendly wager from visiting Scientologist JOHN TRAVOLTA; at the time of his collapse, Reeves was attempting to prove he could count to 100 by fives. Days later, when asked if Keanu paid up after losing the bet, Travolta replied, "Yup! And it was one of the best blowjobs I'd ever received!"

032. Girl most likely (to've grown up on a commune): MOON BLOODGOOD is winner of the Stupidest Name in Hollywood Contest! (You were thinking it too). SHIA LeBEOUF and DIABLO CODY tied for a close second

033. Something fun to do with your old vinyl records: get a bunch and spray paint them gold; wait by the red carpet outside this year's Grammy Awards, and when you see FERGIE and the BLACK EYED PEAS- frisbee them at their heads

034. What has happened to HELEN HUNT's head? She's been working with her nose so close to the grindstone that she looks like you could chop wood with her face

035. Lemons Out of Lemonade Dept.: JENNA JAMESON's autobiography charting her success in the porno industry is a truly inspirational story of what can be still be achieved with one's life after being sexually abused as a child. You go girl!

036. Your secret's out! All those literary references DENNIS MILLER makes come from his seeing the movie- and not from actually reading the book! Similarly, those he makes about European philosophers, comes from his watching MONTY PYTHON reruns

037. The pretension was so thick during her recent "Inside the Actor's Studio" appearance, that the best advice on acting ANGELINA JOLIE could give to the students: "Go for it!"

038. Assembly line filmmaker TYLER PERRY has recently taken up the painstakingly intricate Buddhist sand art in which pictures are created using one grain at a time; so far he's completed over three hundred

039. The show business success of SELENA GOMEZ only proves the old saying that "you can't have success without 'suck'"


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