OUCH! by MR.E.

Friday, April 8, 2016

POSEURS

bored with air travel

watches the Sundance Channel

calls rap music lyrics "urban poetry"

appointments only with doctors who practice Ayurvedic Medicine

pierced scrotum

cellphone so small it's difficult to show off

adopted Cambodian orphan

donates clothes to animal rescue shelters

doesn't own socks

enjoys taking long walks

hyphenated last name

making an effort to reduce carbon footprint

bejeweled bottled water carrier

listens only to bands that record on vinyl

praised all of Woody Allen's recent Euro-made movies

has a handle-bar mustache and a man-bun

reads Joan Didion

got married on a mountain top

drinks only craft ale and almond milk

car engine runs on bacon grease

thinks Chloe Sevigny is the most beautiful best actress in the world

is gluten free and juice cleanses

reads Noam Chomsky while dining out alone

wears a "Black Lives Matter" pin

finally learned to love themselves

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Friday, March 25, 2016

THE LOST ART OF CONVERSATION

While there are those who contend that social conversation is a lost art, others will say conversation is not lost- it's somehow slipped between the sofa cushions and the actual lost art is Siberian wood carved clothing; and yet the rest remain uninterested.

Still, two things are clear: one- vodka, the other- that it is the choice of topic and where and when it is introduced that will lead to satisfying social intercourse (as will thinking about baseball).

In finding a topic of conversation, look to your own personal interests to prepare a lively anecdote that will engage the listener; such as, "Last weekend, while searching for antiques in New England, I ran across this very old prostitute.

If there's one thing I know, it's hookers, and let me tell you, it's not necessarily a bad thing when they've lost their teeth."

That anecdote, while indeed lively, I've learned through experience, is best not told at the reception post anyone's first communion (a general rule of thumb for those types of stories is never tell them at any occasion where the guest of honor wears white).

As you can see, the where and when to start a conversation, like choice of topic, is learned through experience; for example, offering someone a beer at a party is a spirited means of breaking the ice, and can earn one high regard as a "good egg," but it is inappropriate to do so while interviewing for a job.

The point is, everything has its proper moment; and when looking for employment, you'll need to carry a hip flask full of something much stronger than beer to gain any kind of standing as an "egg" with today's corporate rat race.

When invited over to a friend’s for the evening, a polite compliment on their home can start things off on the good foot. If you’re only new acquaintances, a simple “You have a nice place” will do fine; for older friends, “What stinks in here?” and “Jeez, open a window!” are entirely acceptable. What isn’t acceptable, at parties or interventions, are such incendiary topics as religion, politics, and the host’s daughter’s puberty.

To engage someone after an introduction, feign an interest in whatever they do for a living to find a common ground (a helpful note- marine biologist and army nurse are dissimilar occupations); and, when mind-numbingly bored, keep in mind the possibility that- after the right number of cocktails- this person might sleep with you, so, always appear interested, concerned, and impressed.

Good luck with rediscovering this lost art; and remember, when approaching someone to start a conversation and jauntily asking, “Wanna chew the fat?,” be sure that you’ve brought enough for everyone in the room.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Monday, December 14, 2015

WISE UP! WICKED WISDOM!

Internet Predators- national holidays are days off for the feds and the perfect time to search the web for lolitas

Girls: sex is better than drugs as long as you have a good pusher

Police Officers: you can't arrest a cross-eyed man just because he looks crooked

Homosexual Males: while many are "born that way," others were sucked into the lifestyle

Studs: masturbation does not count as your being sexually active- even if you are doing it three times a day

Philosophical Question: if you fall out of a tree in the forest and no one's there...

Junkie Sex Maniacs: nothing takes your mind off of cold turkey better than a hot gobbler

Med Students Studying Proctology: cramming for an exam has an entirely different meaning for you

Gay Men: are allowed into Heaven (but must enter in the rear)

Psychos: if you shoot a man just to watch him die, don't do it with one eye on the television

Animal Lovers: cats wont do it "doggy style"

Wallflowers: reluctant dancers have cold feet

Cymbal playing men: never rehearse for the marching band in the nude

Pre-Wedding Jitterers: sex wont change with marriage, as long as your new spouse doesn't find out

Health Care Providers: when helping the elderly with their medicine, taking half a yellow pill and half a blue pill will not have the same effect as taking one whole green pill

Happy Birthday: it's not the thought that counts when the book you receive as a birthday gift comes with a card that reads, "Due Date June 8th, Lompoc Public Library"

Students: standardized testing in public schools does indeed offer an unfair advantage, but only to those who've studied hard and done their homework

Homicidal Cannibals: snoring too loud is no reason to eat a man

Avoid renting any movie that stars a horse (ie. Seabiscuit, Dreamer); unless, of course, its costar is a sex-starved Danish farmgirl

The smaller a woman's breasts, the more you get per pound

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Friday, September 25, 2015

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: WHO? (1973) ELLIOTT GOULD

aka Roboman, The Man in the Steel Mask is an early 70s paranoid thriller oddity. It came out the same year as Robert Altman's The Long Goodbye; Elliot Gould starred in both.

as Philip Marlowe in The Long Goodbye (1973)

A top American physicist attends a conference in East Germany but ends up in a suspicious car accident. He is forced to get re-construction surgery in East Germany and gets metal implants. The rest of the film is Elliot Gould’s US Agent trying to figure out if he is the real deal or a spy for the Germans. Trevor Howard co-stars as a Russian general.

Released in 1973 after a prolonged dry spell for Gould, “Who?” is a decidedly minor blip in Gould’s overall career. A rather gentle drama about a gentle, misunderstood man.

An American physicist who gets in a car wreck during a visit to Russia, after which surgeons replace his face, organs and the bulk of his limbs with those of a cyborg. For the rest of the film (based on Algis Budrys’ novel), a government agent (Gould) and his team try to figure out if the scientist’s mutation story checks out or if he’s actually a Russian spy.

Gould had more to say about the time period in which he shot “Who?” than the film itself.

“When Bob [Altman] was putting together ‘California Split,’ thinking we were gonna do it with Steve McQueen, at that point I was in Munich making an interesting B-movie called ‘Who?’ Maximilian Schell showed me his picture ‘The Pedestrian,’ and in it, he says, ‘The closer you are, the less you can see.’ As I said, I was more than just confused, I was so ignorant as to how [the industry] worked.”

Director: Jack Gold
Screenplay: John Gould (based on the novel by Algis Budrys)
Producer: Barry Levinson
Elliott Gould            Sean Rogers
Trevor Howard     Colonel Azarin
Joseph Bova        Lucas Martino
Edward Grover     Finchley
John Lehne          Haller
James Noble        General Deptford