OUCH! by MR.E.: March 2014

Monday, March 31, 2014

DON'T FOLLOW ME!

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Did anyone else's Easter family dinner end with a drunken relative shouting at the rest: "I'll see you all in Hell!"?

I was drinking w a SCATOLOGIST at Happy Hour today; he misinterpreted my friendly gesture to "HAVE ONE ON ME"

When your crush says she wants 2 only have a Platonic Relationship with you- remember Plato fucked Socrates in the ass

Words cant describe the feelings you have for your crush, but expressing them through an interpretive dance will not get you a first date

Alcoholic Stage Actors: give bad performances for the boos.

Troop Leaders: when you take thirteen scouts camping in the woods, someone always notices if you return with only twelve

Parents: nothing builds a child's self-esteem faster than mastering the use of a firearm.

Baby's Momma- throwing the baby out with the bath water is an archaic expression and not a viable alternative to paying for a sitter.

Pet Lovers- your ears, snout, and tail betray your claims of not being an "animal person."

I gave my friend with the foot fetish a yardstick for his birthday. He wasn't amused.

Going away on vacation can have a recuperative effect on your health; nonetheless, stay home if chemotherapy has been scheduled.

Teen Smokers: Light up! Kids your age never die of lung cancer. Plus you look really cool!

Secondhand smoke can be dangerous to non tobacco smokers; but to non-tobacco chewers secondhand spit can be worse

Vin Diesel Fast and the Furious fans beware of the same titled porn about a premature ejaculator & his disgruntled girlfriend

Died from AUTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIATION Famous Last Words: "Clear my internet history

Serial Killers Souvenirs are never a good idea- especially those that require refrigeration.

Housewives it's a dirty joke among tv repairmen to ask a female customer if she wants him to "adjust her set"

Knife Throwers when rehearsing knocking a cigarette out of your beautiful assistant's mouth- first practice on an ugly one

Two heads are better than one- except when you're disposing of dismembered body parts.

Children Fishing: baiting the hook with GUMMI WORMS can help you catch SWEDISH FISH!

Kid Cooks: You can MASH POTATOES- but you can't PEA SOUP!

If "an apple a day keeps the #doctor away;" then does eating an apple every 6 hours keep 4 doctors away?

SOLDIERS receiving a handjob from an underage girl will climax in a DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE!

You may yell "Fire!" in a crowded Movie Theater only if the lobby's burning or Kate Hudson is on screen facing execution

SOUTHERN GENTLEMEN- ONE DOES NOT ESCORT A PROSTITUTE TO A HOEDOWN!

If a BEAUTIFUL ASIAN WOMAN in a dark club wants 2 go back 2 your place- first check to see if she has an ADAM'S APPLE

Lives may be lost when EXPLORING UNCHARTED TERRITORIES; but if this occurs while shopping for provisions- CANCEL THE EXPEDITION

ELDERLY HISPANIC MEN- YOU'RE ELIGIBLE FOR THE SEÑOR DISCOUNT

Rugby Players: YOU ARE THE SCRUM OF THE EARTH!

Hospital Etiquette: it's impolite to have a "heart to heart" talk with a coronary patient

CORRECTION: K Y JELLY IS NOT MADE IN KENTUCKY!

Rule Of Thumb The BEST prizes in specially marked boxes are found in the LEAST healthiest BREAKFAST CEREALS

JUVENILE DELINQUENTS you don't need a license to drive a STOLEN CAR

Bad TEACHERS YOUR DREAM OF WORKING WITH CHILDREN SHOULDN'T BE A WET ONE

HEIR TO A FORTUNE: NOT WHEN YOU INHERIT A WIG IN A WILL

KLEPTOMANIACS: there is nothing you can take for a cure

The Hunchbacked Bellringer wasn't a true Modo- just a QUASIMODO

BROADWAY show about the COMMUNIST REVOLUTION IN CHINA with an ALL-FELINE cast to be called "CHAIRMAN MEOW"

Are the TenCommandments listed in their order of importance?

If VEGETARIANS eat nothing but vegetables-then what do HUMANITARIANS eat?

THE SONG IS WRONG: there are, in fact, many BUSINESSESes like SHOW BUSINESS!

MAD SCIENTISTS: if at first you don't succeed- try again with a FRESHER CORPSE

"CLIT-oris" or "Cli-TORIS" YOU DECIDE!

CRIMINAL PROFILERS demanding the ransom in small bills does not mean that the KIDNAPPER is a MIDGET!

Sending your Unrequited Love a severed ear does indeed demonstrate devotion but 2 imitate VanGogh it should be one of your own

Bad Sign: while awaiting trial my LAWYER advised me to "START LIFTING WEIGHTS"

Gay Cruise Ship Captains look forward to GOING DOWN WITH THE SHIP

Publicity Stunt: being a Human Fly involves climbing the exterior of a tall building- not hovering around a big pile of shit

THE MENTALLY RETARDED ON DEATHROW WERE ALWAYS THE EASIEST FOR THE POLICE TO APPREHEND!

Joining the FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION to forget about a girl won't work if her name is "SANDY"

Give Up Hope: THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL MEANS YOU'RE ENTERING NEW JERSEY

When a COP mirandizes a MIME does he skip over the "you have the right to remain silent" part?

Just realized you're living a fruitless life? So how do you like dem apples?

Friday, March 7, 2014

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: Al Adamson DEATH DIMENSION (1978) Jim Kelly George Lazenby Aldo Ray MOVIE TRAILERS!!!

Although it's very unlikely that his admittedly cheap-'n'-cheesy films will ever be acknowledged as true works of cinematic art, director/producer/screenwriter Al Adamson did nonetheless make a slew of entertainingly if trashy low-budget exploitation features for the drive-in market throughout the 1960s and 1970s.

He was born on July 25, 1929, in Hollywood, California, the son of actress Dolores Booth and actor/director Victor Adamson, who appropriately enough specialized in shoddy "B"-grade--and lower--westerns in the 1920s and 1930s, both as an actor and especially as a director. Al's first foray into filmmaking was helping his father as director and producer on the movie Halfway to Hell (1954). In the mid-'60s Al founded the prolific grindhouse outfit Independent-International Pictures with producer/distributor Sam Sherman. Adamson cranked out flicks in every conceivable genre: scuzzy biker items (Satan's Sadists (1969), Hell's Bloody Devils (1970), Angels' Wild Women (1972)), grungy westerns (Five Bloody Graves (1970), Jessi's Girls (1975)), smarmy softcore sex comedies (The Naughty Stewardesses (1975), Blazing Stewardesses (1975)), funky blaxploitation (Mean Mother (1974), Black Heat (1976)), ridiculous science-fiction dross (the gloriously ghastly Horror of the Blood Monsters (1970)), two Jim Kelly martial arts action outings (Black Samurai (1977), Death Dimension (1978)), lurid horror fare (Dracula vs. Frankenstein (1971), Brain of Blood (1971), Nurse Sherri (1978)) and even a tongue-in-cheek softcore science-fiction musical (Cinderella 2000 (1977)). Moreover, Adamson served as a producer for both the exciting Fred Williamson blaxploitation vehicle Hammer (1972) and the acclaimed made-for-TV drama Cry Rape (1973). The casts of Adamson's movies were made up of oddball but enthusiastic amateurs and faded professional thespians whose career was on the wane, including Kent Taylor, Russ Tamblyn, Lon Chaney Jr. and the ubiquitous John Carradine. Al frequently gave his wife Regina Carrol sizable parts in his films. Moreover, Adamson was a mentor for future schlock-feature directors Greydon Clark and John Cardos. He was also instrumental in launching the career of ace cinematographer Gary Graver. In addition, Adamson kept fellow top cinematographers László Kovács and Vilmos Zsigmond employed in their early days. Al Adamson's life came to a brutal and untimely end at age 66 when he was murdered by live-in contractor Fred Fulford on August 2, 1995.

DEATH DIMENSION (also known as FREEZE BOMB; KILL FACTOR; and BLACK ELIMINATOR) stars the late JIM KELLY, the first Black martial arts film star. He co-starred alongside Bruce Lee in the blockbuster, Enter the Dragon (1973); which led to a three-picture deal with Warner Brothers where he made Black Belt Jones (1974); Three the Hard Way (1974) co-starring blaxploitation superstars Jim Brown (Slaughter) and Fred Williamson (Black Caesar); and Hot Potato (1976). After which he starred in the low-budget films Black Samurai (1977); Death Dimension (1978); and Tattoo Connection (1978). His last major appearance was in One Down, Two to Go (1982), co-starring again Brown and Williamson, along with Richard Roundtree (Shaft).

ALDO RAY, a major star in 1950s Hollywood, who worked with such legends as Spencer Tracy, Katherine Hepburn, Humphrey Bogart, Rita Hayworth, Jose Ferrer, Van Heflin, and Robert Ryan, career slowly faded as the 1960s ended. Though he worked steadily in the 1970s, the quality of his roles diminished, and he was typically cast as gruff and gravelly rednecks. In 1976, Ray appeared in The Haunted, and also a pornographic movie, Sweet Savage, in a non-sexual role. His career decline accelerated in the 1980s, and after being diagnosed with throat cancer, he accepted virtually any role that came his way to maintain his costly health insurance. His SAG membership was revoked when it was discovered he was acting in non-union productions.

TERRY MOORE started out in radio and starred in several box office hits, including Mighty Joe Young (1949), Come Back, Little Sheba (1952; for which she was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress), Daddy Long Legs (1955), Between Heaven and Hell (1956), and Peyton Place (1957). After the 1960s, Moore semi retired from acting, only completing two films in the 1970s; though by the 1980s her career had resumed (after gaining publicity by appearing nude at age 55 in Playboy magazine and claiming to've been secretly married to Howard Hughes) with minor roles in low-budgeted B-movies.

GEORGE LAZENBY was the successor to Sean Connery playing James Bond in the film On Her Majesty's Secret Service. World famous, success went to his head, and he lost any chance to follow up as 007. In 1973, Lazenby was set to work in Hong Kong with Bruce Lee. A planned meeting with Lee and Raymond Chow to discuss a movie project for the Golden Harvest film Game of Death collapsed after Lee's sudden death, although Lazenby would still go on to make three of the four films he signed to do with Lee in Hong Kong, The Shrine of Ultimate Bliss (1974), The Man from Hong Kong (1975; aka The Dragon Flies), and A Queen's Ransom (1976). In 1978, he took out an advertisement in Variety, offering himself for acting work. "If I could get a TV series or a good movie, I swear I'd do it for nothing," he told a journalist.

Death Dimension's other Bond connection (Goldfinger) comes with HAROLD "ODD JOB" SAKATA whose limited ability to speak English forced his part to be dubbed by Chinese actor James Hong.

Directed by Al Adamson, and Produced by Harry Hope; the Cast includes: Jim Kelly as Lt. Detective Ash; George Lazenby as Capt. Gallagher; Aldo Ray as Verde; Terry Moore as Madam Maria; Harold "Odd Job" Sakata as The Pig; Patch Mackenzie as Felicia; and Myron Bruce Lee as Li

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