COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
Did anyone else's Easter family dinner end with a drunken relative shouting at the rest: "I'll see you all in Hell!"?
I was drinking w a SCATOLOGIST at Happy Hour today; he misinterpreted my friendly gesture to "HAVE ONE ON ME"
When your crush says she wants 2 only have a Platonic Relationship with you- remember Plato fucked Socrates in the ass
Words cant describe the feelings you have for your crush, but expressing them through an interpretive dance will not get you a first date
Alcoholic Stage Actors: give bad performances for the boos.
Troop Leaders: when you take thirteen scouts camping in the woods, someone always notices if you return with only twelve
Parents: nothing builds a child's self-esteem faster than mastering the use of a firearm.
Baby's Momma- throwing the baby out with the bath water is an archaic expression and not a viable alternative to paying for a sitter.
Pet Lovers- your ears, snout, and tail betray your claims of not being an "animal person."
I gave my friend with the foot fetish a yardstick for his birthday. He wasn't amused.
Going away on vacation can have a recuperative effect on your health; nonetheless, stay home if chemotherapy has been scheduled.
Teen Smokers: Light up! Kids your age never die of lung cancer. Plus you look really cool!
Secondhand smoke can be dangerous to non tobacco smokers; but to non-tobacco chewers secondhand spit can be worse
Vin Diesel Fast and the Furious fans beware of the same titled porn about a premature ejaculator & his disgruntled girlfriend
Died from AUTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIATION Famous Last Words: "Clear my internet history
Serial Killers Souvenirs are never a good idea- especially those that require refrigeration.
Housewives it's a dirty joke among tv repairmen to ask a female customer if she wants him to "adjust her set"
Knife Throwers when rehearsing knocking a cigarette out of your beautiful assistant's mouth- first practice on an ugly one
Two heads are better than one- except when you're disposing of dismembered body parts.
Children Fishing: baiting the hook with GUMMI WORMS can help you catch SWEDISH FISH!
Kid Cooks: You can MASH POTATOES- but you can't PEA SOUP!
If "an apple a day keeps the #doctor away;" then does eating an apple every 6 hours keep 4 doctors away?
SOLDIERS receiving a handjob from an underage girl will climax in a DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE!
You may yell "Fire!" in a crowded Movie Theater only if the lobby's burning or Kate Hudson is on screen facing execution
SOUTHERN GENTLEMEN- ONE DOES NOT ESCORT A PROSTITUTE TO A HOEDOWN!
If a BEAUTIFUL ASIAN WOMAN in a dark club wants 2 go back 2 your place- first check to see if she has an ADAM'S APPLE
Lives may be lost when EXPLORING UNCHARTED TERRITORIES; but if this occurs while shopping for provisions- CANCEL THE EXPEDITION
ELDERLY HISPANIC MEN- YOU'RE ELIGIBLE FOR THE SEÑOR DISCOUNT
Rugby Players: YOU ARE THE SCRUM OF THE EARTH!
Hospital Etiquette: it's impolite to have a "heart to heart" talk with a coronary patient
CORRECTION: K Y JELLY IS NOT MADE IN KENTUCKY!
Rule Of Thumb The BEST prizes in specially marked boxes are found in the LEAST healthiest BREAKFAST CEREALS
JUVENILE DELINQUENTS you don't need a license to drive a STOLEN CAR
Bad TEACHERS YOUR DREAM OF WORKING WITH CHILDREN SHOULDN'T BE A WET ONE
HEIR TO A FORTUNE: NOT WHEN YOU INHERIT A WIG IN A WILL
KLEPTOMANIACS: there is nothing you can take for a cure
The Hunchbacked Bellringer wasn't a true Modo- just a QUASIMODO
BROADWAY show about the COMMUNIST REVOLUTION IN CHINA with an ALL-FELINE cast to be called "CHAIRMAN MEOW"
Are the TenCommandments listed in their order of importance?
If VEGETARIANS eat nothing but vegetables-then what do HUMANITARIANS eat?
THE SONG IS WRONG: there are, in fact, many BUSINESSESes like SHOW BUSINESS!
MAD SCIENTISTS: if at first you don't succeed- try again with a FRESHER CORPSE
"CLIT-oris" or "Cli-TORIS" YOU DECIDE!
CRIMINAL PROFILERS demanding the ransom in small bills does not mean that the KIDNAPPER is a MIDGET!
Sending your Unrequited Love a severed ear does indeed demonstrate devotion but 2 imitate VanGogh it should be one of your own
Bad Sign: while awaiting trial my LAWYER advised me to "START LIFTING WEIGHTS"
Gay Cruise Ship Captains look forward to GOING DOWN WITH THE SHIP
Publicity Stunt: being a Human Fly involves climbing the exterior of a tall building- not hovering around a big pile of shit
THE MENTALLY RETARDED ON DEATHROW WERE ALWAYS THE EASIEST FOR THE POLICE TO APPREHEND!
Joining the FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION to forget about a girl won't work if her name is "SANDY"
Give Up Hope: THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL MEANS YOU'RE ENTERING NEW JERSEY
When a COP mirandizes a MIME does he skip over the "you have the right to remain silent" part?
Just realized you're living a fruitless life? So how do you like dem apples?
COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
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