WHAT NOT TO BRING TO A FUNERAL:
balloons and a joy buzzer
a date
one of those crossword puzzle digest magazines
your pet chimp
Kentucky Fried Chicken
a necrophile
Rip Taylor
video recording equipment
Chinese acrobats
the deceased's doppelganger
a Voodoo Priestess from Haiti
WHAT NO FUNERAL SHOULD BE WITHOUT:
a dead body
a mirror to hold under the deceased's nose just to be sure
a coffin or urn
an old woman dressed in black and wailing at the coffin in a language other than English
an unresolved grudge
powdered sugar*
*Editor's note: MR.E. may be thinking of "funnel cakes"**
**MR.E.'s note to Editor: I was!
a sexy second cousin you can stare at while you pretend to pray
a sexy second cousin who understands that the legal definition of incest does not include cousins
a chalice of fresh lamb's blood with which to toast the deceased
a clown (you can't spell "funeral" without "fun")
Instances of parental favoritism, unpaid loans, and social snubs
That once you're cleared as the number one suspect, you'll assist the police in finding the deceased's real killer
"Even though the head has yet to have been located..."
How fortunate his widow has been to have had her tennis instructor Raoul by her side during these trying days
The particular kind of pornography they found on the deceased's computer
"Though his body may turn to dust, his artificial penis will forever remain."
The deceased would want you to have his golf clubs
That you need a ride home
"Good riddance."
That once you're cleared as the number one suspect, you'll assist the police in finding the deceased's real killer
"Even though the head has yet to have been located..."
How fortunate his widow has been to have had her tennis instructor Raoul by her side during these trying days
The particular kind of pornography they found on the deceased's computer
"Though his body may turn to dust, his artificial penis will forever remain."
The deceased would want you to have his golf clubs
That you need a ride home
"Good riddance."
COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
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