OUCH! by MR.E.

OUCH! by MR.E.

Friday, April 8, 2016

POSEURS


bored with air travel

watches the Sundance Channel

calls rap music lyrics "urban poetry"

appointments only with doctors who practice Ayurvedic Medicine


pierced scrotum

cellphone so small it's difficult to show off

adopted Cambodian orphan


donates clothes to animal rescue shelters

doesn't own socks

enjoys taking long walks


hyphenated last name

making an effort to reduce carbon footprint

bejeweled bottled water carrier


listens only to bands that record on vinyl

praised all of Woody Allen's recent Euro-made movies

has a handle-bar mustache and a man-bun


reads Joan Didion

got married on a mountain top

drinks only craft ale and almond milk



car engine runs on bacon grease

thinks Chloe Sevigny is the most beautiful best actress in the world

is gluten free and juice cleanses


reads Noam Chomsky while dining out alone

wears a "Black Lives Matter" pin

finally learned to love themselves




COPYRIGHT 2007-2016 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR. 

Friday, March 25, 2016

THE LOST ART OF CONVERSATION

THE LOST ART OF CONVERSATION

While there are those who contend that social conversation is a lost art, others will say conversation is not lost- it's somehow slipped between the sofa cushions and the actual lost art is Siberian wood carved clothing; and yet the rest remain uninterested.

Still, two things are clear: one- vodka, the other- that it is the choice of topic and where and when it is introduced that will lead to satisfying social intercourse (as will thinking about baseball).


In finding a topic of conversation, look to your own personal interests to prepare a lively anecdote that will engage the listener; such as, "Last weekend, while searching for antiques in New England, I ran across this very old prostitute.

If there's one thing I know, it's hookers, and let me tell you, it's not necessarily a bad thing when they've lost their teeth."

That anecdote, while indeed lively, I've learned through experience, is best not told at the reception post anyone's first communion (a general rule of thumb for those types of stories is never tell them at any occasion where the guest of honor wears white).


As you can see, the where and when to start a conversation, like choice of topic, is learned through experience; for example, offering someone a beer at a party is a spirited means of breaking the ice, and can earn one high regard as a "good egg," but it is inappropriate to do so while interviewing for a job.

The point is, everything has its proper moment; and when looking for employment, you'll need to carry a hip flask full of something much stronger than beer to gain any kind of standing as an "egg" with today's corporate rat race.


When invited over to a friend’s for the evening, a polite compliment on their home can start things off on the good foot. If you’re only new acquaintances, a simple “You have a nice place” will do fine; for older friends, “What stinks in here?” and “Jeez, open a window!” are entirely acceptable. What isn’t acceptable, at parties or interventions, are such incendiary topics as religion, politics, and the host’s daughter’s puberty.


To engage someone after an introduction, feign an interest in whatever they do for a living to find a common ground (a helpful note- marine biologist and army nurse are dissimilar occupations); and, when mind-numbingly bored, keep in mind the possibility that- after the right number of cocktails- this person might sleep with you, so, always appear interested, concerned, and impressed.

Good luck with rediscovering this lost art; and remember, when approaching someone to start a conversation and jauntily asking, “Wanna chew the fat?,” be sure that you’ve brought enough for everyone in the room.


COPYRIGHT 2007-2016 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.


Monday, December 14, 2015

WISE UP! WICKED WISDOM!

WISE UP! WICKED WISDOM!


Internet Predators- national holidays are days off for the feds and the perfect time to search the web for lolitas



Girls: sex is better than drugs as long as you have a good pusher



Police Officers: you can't arrest a cross-eyed man just because he looks crooked



Homosexual Males: while many are "born that way," others were sucked into the lifestyle



Studs: masturbation does not count as your being sexually active- even if you are doing it three times a day



Philosophical Question: if you fall out of a tree in the forest and no one's there...



Junkie Sex Maniacs: nothing takes your mind off of cold turkey better than a hot gobbler



Med Students Studying Proctology: cramming for an exam has an entirely different meaning for you



Gay Men: are allowed into Heaven (but must enter in the rear)



Psychos: if you shoot a man just to watch him die, don't do it with one eye on the television



Animal Lovers: cats wont do it "doggy style"



Wallflowers: reluctant dancers have cold feet



Cymbal playing men: never rehearse for the marching band in the nude



Pre-Wedding Jitterers: sex wont change with marriage, as long as your new spouse doesn't find out



Health Care Providers: when helping the elderly with their medicine, taking half a yellow pill and half a blue pill will not have the same effect as taking one whole green pill



Happy Birthday: it's not the thought that counts when the book you receive as a birthday gift comes with a card that reads, "Due Date June 8th, Lompoc Public Library"



Students: standardized testing in public schools does indeed offer an unfair advantage, but only to those who've studied hard and done their homework



Homicidal Cannibals: snoring too loud is no reason to eat a man



Avoid renting any movie that stars a horse (ie. Seabiscuit, Dreamer); unless, of course, its costar is a sex-starved Danish farmgirl



The smaller a woman's breasts, the more you get per pound










COPYRIGHT 2007-2015 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Friday, September 25, 2015

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: WHO? (1973) ELLIOTT GOULD


aka Roboman, The Man in the Steel Mask is an early 70s paranoid thriller oddity. It came out the same year as Robert Altman's The Long Goodbye; Elliot Gould starred in both.


as Philip Marlowe in The Long Goodbye (1973)

A top American physicist attends a conference in East Germany but ends up in a suspicious car accident. He is forced to get re-construction surgery in East Germany and gets metal implants. The rest of the film is Elliot Gould’s US Agent trying to figure out if he is the real deal or a spy for the Germans. Trevor Howard co-stars as a Russian general.


Released in 1973 after a prolonged dry spell for Gould, “Who?” is a decidedly minor blip in Gould’s overall career. A rather gentle drama about a gentle, misunderstood man.
An American physicist who gets in a car wreck during a visit to Russia, after which surgeons replace his face, organs and the bulk of his limbs with those of a cyborg. For the rest of the film (based on Algis Budrys’ novel), a government agent (Gould) and his team try to figure out if the scientist’s mutation story checks out or if he’s actually a Russian spy.

 
Gould had more to say about the time period in which he shot “Who?” than the film itself.
“When Bob [Altman] was putting together ‘California Split,’ thinking we were gonna do it with Steve McQueen, at that point I was in Munich making an interesting B-movie called ‘Who?’ Maximilian Schell showed me his picture ‘The Pedestrian,’ and in it, he says, ‘The closer you are, the less you can see.’ As I said, I was more than just confused, I was so ignorant as to how [the industry] worked.”


Director: Jack Gold
Screenplay: John Gould (based on the novel by Algis Budrys)
Producer: Barry Levinson
Elliott Gould            Sean Rogers
Trevor Howard     Colonel Azarin
Joseph Bova        Lucas Martino
Edward Grover     Finchley
John Lehne          Haller
James Noble        General Deptford







COPYRIGHT 2007-2015 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

Monday, September 21, 2015

BECAUSE SHE'S SO HOT, YOU'RE TRYING TO OVERLOOK

 HER...


belief in unicorns and elves



unshaven armpits


boyfriend


girlfriend


strap-on



colostomy bag


opinion that Saddam Hussein "had some good points"


menagerie of glass animal figurines


Adam's Apple



winning the "Best Gang Bang" scene at last year's Adult Video Awards


criminal record for stalking ex-boyfriends



complete collection of "Faces of Death" dvds


job as a sales rep for Mary K-K-K



labia being pierced


voice makes Fran Drescher's seem musical


mulatto bastard


wheelchair


COPYRIGHT 2007-2015 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.