2012 STONER OLYMPIC GAMES
COMPETITOR EVENT LIST:
Air Guitar & Drums
Cigarette Bumming
Devilsticks
Excuse Making (sprint)
Hackysack
Internet Auction Sniping
Movie Synopsising
Panhandling
Punctuality
Responsibility Duck (marathon)
Stench & Pallor
Stumbling & Balance
Tic Tac Toe
Tie-dye
Unicycling
Ultimate Frisbee
Wandering (long distance)
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
EXCUSES FOR BUYING A PORN MAG LAST FRIDAY NIGHT
EXCUSES FOR BUYING A PORN MAG LAST FRIDAY NIGHT
the short fiction by John Updike
to flirt with the cute transexual working at the cash register
you're sending it to a soldier in Iraq
two o'clock in the morning is the slow time of your day
your sister's on pages 69-73
you plan to jack off as soon as you get home
it's something to read on the airplane
to see if they printed your question about stereo speakers
you thought "Peach Fuzz" was a journal for U.S. Produce Inspectors; and "Tweety Pies and Puddy Tats" was for kids- not featured kids. (At least that's what you told the F.B.I. Agent, who found them stashed in your car trunk Monday while executing a federal search warrant obtained Sunday after you emailed a jpeg of your cock Saturday to the undercover officer you thought was a 13 year old Lolita you met online Friday.)
you were sleepwalking because of the meds
you have a big purple birthmark covering half of your face and hideous acne scars on the other half; plus, you're hunchbacked and bucktoothed
your computer's on the fritz
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
the short fiction by John Updike
to flirt with the cute transexual working at the cash register
you're sending it to a soldier in Iraq
two o'clock in the morning is the slow time of your day
your sister's on pages 69-73
you plan to jack off as soon as you get home
it's something to read on the airplane
to see if they printed your question about stereo speakers
you thought "Peach Fuzz" was a journal for U.S. Produce Inspectors; and "Tweety Pies and Puddy Tats" was for kids- not featured kids. (At least that's what you told the F.B.I. Agent, who found them stashed in your car trunk Monday while executing a federal search warrant obtained Sunday after you emailed a jpeg of your cock Saturday to the undercover officer you thought was a 13 year old Lolita you met online Friday.)
you were sleepwalking because of the meds
you have a big purple birthmark covering half of your face and hideous acne scars on the other half; plus, you're hunchbacked and bucktoothed
your computer's on the fritz
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
Friday, June 22, 2012
U.S. GRADUATING STUDENTS LEAD THE WORLD
U.S. GRADUATING STUDENTS LEAD THE WORLD
IN...
after school brawls
athletic team sado-homo teabagging
belly button piercing
cellphone text messaging
class skipping
date rape
detention
dropping out
fire alarm pulling
food fights
locker combination reminders
pencil sharpening
prom night alcohol-related car crash fatalities
promiscuity
science lab vandalism
textbook margin doodling
untied shoelaces
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
Friday, June 15, 2012
END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR POEM by LOLITA LOHAN
END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR POEM by LOLITA LOHAN
goodbye to my teacher
one thing I’ll miss loads
is the look on your face
when I break the dress codes
my jeans are hip-huggers
still you think it’s wrong
when a teenage schoolgirl
shows the waistband of her thong
my tee-shirt is tight
but that’s how they’re sold
and if you don’t like it
why’s your classroom so cold?
by being sent home
for clothes much less lewd
I’ll return wearing something
to reveal I'm tattooed
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
goodbye to my teacher
one thing I’ll miss loads
is the look on your face
when I break the dress codes
my jeans are hip-huggers
still you think it’s wrong
when a teenage schoolgirl
shows the waistband of her thong
my tee-shirt is tight
but that’s how they’re sold
and if you don’t like it
why’s your classroom so cold?
by being sent home
for clothes much less lewd
I’ll return wearing something
to reveal I'm tattooed
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
Friday, June 1, 2012
YOU'RE BETTER OFF NOT DANCING AT THE PROM
YOU'RE BETTER OFF NOT DANCING AT THE PROM
IF...
people can hear you doing it
the other dancers are slipping in your sweat
you’re the only white guy there
it’s during the memorial moment for that kid who had cancer
you’re Carrie
your dance-partner thinks you’re fighting diarrhea and points you towards the rest room
paramedics insist on sticking something between your teeth to keep you from swallowing or biting your tongue
you’re wearing tights and a tutu
the song playing is “It’s Raining Men”
it’s a slow dance and you came with your sister
you’ve a conjoined twin
you’re a slasher disguised as a teacher and there’s butcher’s cutlery hidden under your corduroy jacket
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
IF...
people can hear you doing it
the other dancers are slipping in your sweat
you’re the only white guy there
it’s during the memorial moment for that kid who had cancer
you’re Carrie
your dance-partner thinks you’re fighting diarrhea and points you towards the rest room
paramedics insist on sticking something between your teeth to keep you from swallowing or biting your tongue
you’re wearing tights and a tutu
the song playing is “It’s Raining Men”
it’s a slow dance and you came with your sister
you’ve a conjoined twin
you’re a slasher disguised as a teacher and there’s butcher’s cutlery hidden under your corduroy jacket
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
Friday, May 25, 2012
NOT THE IDEAL PROM DATE
NOT THE IDEAL PROM DATE
if you share at least one parent
brings along two thugs as "backup"
if you have to arrange the date with Dap Willie Green under a bridge
brings you a bouquet of flowers found while short-cutting through a cemetery
going to an after-prom party breaks the half-way house curfew
it's a parole violation to come within 500 feet of a public school
wears a tee-shirt with a cartoon of a tux printed on the front
picks you up in a limo with two Japanese businessmen riding along in the back
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
if you share at least one parent
brings along two thugs as "backup"
if you have to arrange the date with Dap Willie Green under a bridge
brings you a bouquet of flowers found while short-cutting through a cemetery
going to an after-prom party breaks the half-way house curfew
it's a parole violation to come within 500 feet of a public school
wears a tee-shirt with a cartoon of a tux printed on the front
picks you up in a limo with two Japanese businessmen riding along in the back
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
Monday, February 6, 2012
IN LOVE? DON'T DIVE INTO HER FAMILY'S GENEPOOL
IN LOVE? DON'T DIVE INTO HER FAMILY'S GENEPOOL
IF...
her home town's local color is "white trash," and the main industry is tattooing
she refers to her family as "kinfolk"
they keep livestock in the house
there are old tires burning in their backyard
they still have their Christmas lights up and on in June
a shelf in the refrigerator is reserved for clean urine
the family business is snitching
their home movies are videos of their appearances on "Springer" and "Cops"
family reunions invariably end with someone shouting at the rest, "I'll see you in Hell!"
she's the first in her family to, not only graduate from school, but also to wear shoes
your wedding ceremony is to involve dancing with poisonous snakes and speaking in tongues
at the wedding reception they'll toast the happy couple by tipping a jug of corn squeezins
her mother met her father after jumping out of an over-sized cake at a stag party
as a child, her parents told her that Santa didn't come on Christmas Eve and leave presents because he got Lyme disease from a reindeer tick
for her sweet sixteen birthday, her parents gave her an inscribed pool cue and an ashtray stolen from "The Bottom's Up Lounge"
with her mother, the best way to ingratiate yourself is by slipping dollar bills into her g-string
when her noncustodial father comes through town and visits, her brings her a box of chocolates and silk stockings
her incarcerated stepfather's previous work experience as a getaway driver was ratted out by an unknown snitch
her mother met her latest live-in boyfriend "cute" when, by mistake, they were each given the other's methadone at the free clinic
her grandfather- four words: court-ordered chemical castration
her brother is the cutup of the family- because he cut up the family
her uncle's institutionalized for stalking student nurses
her aunt's currently awaiting trial for attempting to scam a fast food chain by claiming to have found a human foot in a bucket of chicken
cousins are considered viable sex partners
they haven't mistook your name for "Mark," they're referring to you as "the mark"
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
IF...
her home town's local color is "white trash," and the main industry is tattooing
she refers to her family as "kinfolk"
they keep livestock in the house
there are old tires burning in their backyard
they still have their Christmas lights up and on in June
a shelf in the refrigerator is reserved for clean urine
the family business is snitching
their home movies are videos of their appearances on "Springer" and "Cops"
family reunions invariably end with someone shouting at the rest, "I'll see you in Hell!"
she's the first in her family to, not only graduate from school, but also to wear shoes
your wedding ceremony is to involve dancing with poisonous snakes and speaking in tongues
at the wedding reception they'll toast the happy couple by tipping a jug of corn squeezins
her mother met her father after jumping out of an over-sized cake at a stag party
as a child, her parents told her that Santa didn't come on Christmas Eve and leave presents because he got Lyme disease from a reindeer tick
for her sweet sixteen birthday, her parents gave her an inscribed pool cue and an ashtray stolen from "The Bottom's Up Lounge"
with her mother, the best way to ingratiate yourself is by slipping dollar bills into her g-string
when her noncustodial father comes through town and visits, her brings her a box of chocolates and silk stockings
her incarcerated stepfather's previous work experience as a getaway driver was ratted out by an unknown snitch
her mother met her latest live-in boyfriend "cute" when, by mistake, they were each given the other's methadone at the free clinic
her grandfather- four words: court-ordered chemical castration
her brother is the cutup of the family- because he cut up the family
her uncle's institutionalized for stalking student nurses
her aunt's currently awaiting trial for attempting to scam a fast food chain by claiming to have found a human foot in a bucket of chicken
cousins are considered viable sex partners
they haven't mistook your name for "Mark," they're referring to you as "the mark"
COPYRIGHT 2007/2012 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.
ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.
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