12 MIDNIGHT SUSPECTS: An Inspector Charming Five Minute Mystery

12 MIDNIGHT SUSPECTS: An Inspector Charming Five Minute Mystery*

*actual time may vary

A bolt of lightning struck a tree on the north side of the palace grounds, and thunder clapped its ominous approval. Inside, the ascendant to the throne suddenly stepped from the shadows and into the drawing room light. Hands regally on his hips, he waited for the last bong of the town’s bell to finish echoing. It had just turned midnight.

Forsaking his rightful crown for a badge, the tough- yet still princely, Inspector Charming majestically surveyed those in his presence; then spoke, “I suppose you’re all wondering why I called you here tonight.” His faithful manservant, Helot, introduced those in attendance.

Standing nervously by the fire and smoking a salmon, was mafia-connected “Sidney Applebaum,” the Mattress King- now with eight locations! To his side, the pedigree bitch, “Lady Gwendolyn,” a Yorkshire Terrier, sat on a leash; while her chaperone, Broadway Queen “Carol Channing,” blew bubbles into flat champagne. “Sergi Bendova,” a homosexual of great acclaim and self-described ‘longtime companion,’ sat sipping Smirnoff (by the seashore); he did not attend, and “sends his regrets- via postcard.”

Stirring a cocktail with a shaking hand was retired surgeon, “Dr. Howard Fine.” Howard, whose breakthrough work with the disease Dutch Elm saved that country’s shoe industry, poured the concoction into the waiting IV bag of “Colonel Catsup.” Once the young hero of the Frankfort Bun Battle of 1857 varieties, he is now nearly two hundred years old; yet, despite his age, he avidly breathes and takes pleasure in blinking on a near-daily basis.

Sneering on the divan, champion pimento-stuffer, “Miss Anne Thorpe, accompanied by her brother Gil,” athletic coach and comic strip character. Behind them, Asian prodigy “Mi Luv Yu” -longtime tiddly-winker and fellatio enthusiast- stood near the window, avoiding eye contact by tightly closing hers.

Distracted, “Malcolm X” (not the person you’re thinking of: this one had his nose stolen by an uncle as a child- and it was never recovered! Also, he’s white) affected nonchalance thinking he’d been caught furtively peeking down the cleavage of reclining ecdysiast “Cinnamon Buns” who shared the same name with a baked goods heiress, and had mistakenly received the invitation meant for the aforementioned Pillsbury dough girl.

“Lord Peter Tork” cowered in the back; one half of the trio ‘The Pee-Wee Quartet,’ he holds a world record for ruptured testicles. Glamorously attired and her neck encrusted with diamonds (she refuses to moisturize), “Helena Handbasket” -star of the long-running ‘Million Mile Dash,’ tapped her foot impatiently waiting for the Inspector to reveal his intestines (Editor’s Note: shouldn’t this read, ‘intentions?’). “And Mr. Scott Peterson,” late of California, and husband of Lacey- also late.

Having concluded his task, Lackey retreated. Inspector Charming lit and puffed his pipe; after passing it along, he put his foot up on the royal dog and grimly addressed the group, “One of you... is a murderer!”

After the matter had been settled (did you solve who done it?), and they dragged the sleaze away, those who remained, sang a rousing chorus of “Buffalo Girl Wont You Come Out Tonight” while Cinnamon stripped!

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: FUGITIVE GIRLS (1974) Ed Wood RENE BOND

Five inmates break out of a women's prison. Four of them are hardened convicts, but one is a girl who was convicted for a crime she didn't commit. As the authorities chase them down, the cons terrorize or kill anyone who gets in their way.  The legendary Edward D. Wood co-wrote and appears in this remake of his equally legendary 1956 classic The Violent Years. The story focuses on the exploits of a gang of young female juvenile delinquents who go on a crime spree and wind up on the run from the law. There are at least three versions of this film. Fugitive Girls (also known as Five Loose Women) appears to be the complete film. Hot on the Trail contains more plot and less sex, while Women's Penitentiary VIII features more sex and less plot.  If not for the participation of cult director Ed Wood, there wouldn't be a reason to write about AC Stephens' 1974 drive-in R-rated "bad girls/women in prison/or distress" cheapie "Fugitive Girls." It's an on-the-cheap-cheap make of the American Independent/Roger Corman/Jack Hill "bad girls on the run" '70s genre films such as "The Big Doll House" or "The Great Texas Dynamite Chase."

What makes "Fugitive Girls" interesting is that it was the late-great cult film figure Ed Wood's last stab at cinema respectibilty. Virtually all of Wood's films from the late 1960s until his death in 1978 were either grindhouse pre-hard-core adult films or hard-core XXXs. In fact, Wood made several porn films with AC Stephens (Stephen Apostolof).

But "Fugitive Girls' was the exception, and because of Wood's participation, it's worth hunting done. It's an R-rated drive-in special, complete with lots of bouncing breasts, unnecessary disrobing and a few scenes of soft-core above-the-waste sex. The budget is minimal; the women's prison looks like a summer girl's camp. There are night/day continuity problems (a problem with all Wood films) and the leads playing the Fugitive Girls were chosen for the lack of inhibitions, rather than talent, but Wood's contributions provide that uniqueness that is Wood. His films may be inept and inadvertently amusing, but they are not derivative.

Rene Bond dominated early '70s Los Angeles porn, appearing in about 300 films and loops. She entered porn in the late 1960s for the usual reason--money. In her own words, "I had some friends who were working in porno, and I needed the money. So they said they'd introduce me to some people, and they did. I got used to the money". Rene began her career in the low-budget softcore schlock of producer Harry H. Novak, often appearing with her longtime boyfriend Ric Lutze. They would be a regular cinematic pair in both softcore and hardcore films for most of the 1970s. An industry observer described her as "a sinfully sexy and youthful-looking little strumpet whose well-rounded acting skills and vivacious approach to on-screen sexing made her an instant favorite." She had a petite, trim body that made her the go-to girl to play teenagers or farmers' daughters. She also had a deft touch with comedy. Her landmark linking segments in Teen-age Fantasies: An Adult Documentary (1971) epitomize her knack for coming across as sweet and winsome in even the raunchiest material. Rene was one of the first porn starlets to have breast implants to cater to what she called the "North American Breast Fetish". She got even more work after that. Rene incorporated herself in the mid-'70s and sold photos and slides of herself through her own mail-order company. She also sang, danced and stripped at the Ivar Burlesque Theater in Hollywood. She often brought her father on stage and sang "My Heart Belongs to Daddy" (her mom also went everywhere with her). Rene happily signed autographs in the lobby for a dollar each after her performances. Rene and Ric vanished from the film scene in 1978. Rene stayed out of sight until the mid-'80s when she was spotted as a contestant on the TV quiz show Break the Bank (1985). She was introduced as a bankruptcy specialist and had a new husband in tow (she won over $9,000 in cash and prizes). Rene was seen around Las Vegas throughout the late 1980s and 1990s. She died of liver problems in the late 1990s.

The plot: A young lovely is betrayed by her boyfriend, who turns out to be an armed robber. She's unlucky enough to be with him when he robs a liquor store and kills the clerk. She's shipped off to prison and bullied by her cell dorm mates who include her in their escape plans. Once the fugitive girls escape, they're off and running from the cops in search of hidden robbery loot and fighting, harassing and terrorizing hippies, a disabled man and his wife, bikers, a garage attendant, and various travelers.

Wood, who was always a talented actor, plays three roles in the film. He's Pops, a moronic service station employee (He gets billing for that role). He also plays -- unbilled -- the sheriff, and is one of the voices heard outside the liquor store robbery/murder. Wood also wrote the screenplay and is listed, under the name "Dick Trent," as the assistant director. Personally, I think Wood did most of the directing.

There is one great Woodian touch in "Fugitive Girls." One scene, where the women terrorize a rich wheelchair-bound man and his wife and sexually assault the wife, is -- incredibly -- an homage to Stanley Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange." You gotta admire Wood's indefatigable persistence. Here he is; involved with a low-budget cheapie one step above porn/grindhouse, and he cares enough to forever associate "Fugitive Girls" with "A Clockwork Orange!" What a guy Mr. Wood was!

Another Woodian touch is the final scene where "bad girl" "Toni" (Rene Bond) seems to run forever trying to escape the sheriff and one slow, fat deputy who literally tiptoe slowly after her. Despite the non-progress, the two law enforcement officers easily catch up with Bond. It makes no sense, but it's a lot of fun. The late Bond, who has become a cult figure, is the only fugitive woman worth mentioning. She was a bubbly brunette who had "girl next door" looks. She appeared in hundreds of films, in roles ranging from loops, extra walk-ons and starring roles. Mst of her films were porn, which is sort of a shame, because she could act. Wood, by the way, is by far the best actor in "Fugitive Girls." Watching him is a reminder that he might have had a decent career as a character actor had he not been an unreliable alcoholic. Had "Fugitive Girls" been made a decade later, all the leads (other than the "good girl," might have been sympathetic anti-heroes, but this was the early '70s, and crime still didn't pay for women in 1974 cinema.

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

THE REAL REASON YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD

your pom poms aren't big enough

the swastika carved into your forehead


you bring team spirit in the form of a poltergeist

the chemo makes your hair difficult to braid


your inability to spell the school's name

the wheelchair


you wear too much makeup and not enough underware

your whiskers and Adam's apple

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: HAIL MAFIA! (1965) Eddie Constantine

Two American hit men are dispatched to the south of France to rub out an ex-gangster suspected of ratting out the mob.  While ostensibly a vehicle for expat American actor Eddie Constantine, the story is primarily centered on the pair of killers, who are played by veteran character actors Jack Klugman and Henry Silva.  Narrative is stripped to the bone, the better to accommodate the film’s existential tone and complex characterizations.  The confrontation is staged in the rugged Camargue region of France, where the man on the run, isolated by the barren, windswept terrain, nervously awaits his executioners.  During the tough, suspenseful climax, the interplay of personal loyalties and professional responsibilities combusts with startling ferociousness.  The bleak resolution leaves the viewer as emotionally devastated as the last man left standing.

EDDIE CONSTANTINE

Eddie Constantine (born Edward Constantinowsky; October 29, 1917 – February 25, 1993) was an American actor and singer who spent his career working in Europe.  He became well known for a series of French B movies in which he played secret agent Lemmy Caution and is now best remembered for his role in Jean-Luc Godard's philosophical science fiction film Alphaville (1965).  Constantine also appeared in films by Rainer Werner Fassbinder (as himself in Beware of a Holy Whore 1971), Lars von Trier, and Mika Kaurismäki.  He continued reprising the role of Lemmy Caution well into his 70s; his final appearance as the character was in Jean-Luc Godard's Allemagne 90 neuf zéro (1991).

JACK KLUGMAN and HENRY SILVA

Director: Raoul Levy; screenplay: Jean Cau, Raoul Levy; producer: Raoul Levy; music: Hubert Rostaing; cinematography: Raoul Coutard; editing: Victoria Mercanton

Eddie Constantine (Rudy Hamburg); Henry Silva (Schaft); Jack Klugman (Phil); Elsa Martinelli (Sylvia); Micheline Presle (Daisy); Michael Lonsdale (secretary); Carl Studer (Ruidosa); Ricky Cooper (Ben); Tener Eckelberry (Hyman)

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

iTUNES ON MY iPOD SHUFFLE

ALLAN SHERMAN Hello Mudda Hello Fadda (1963)

"Pawning My Bling-Bling for Crack Money" by Panface

They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha-Ha (1966) NAPOLEON XIV

"Cacophonous Screeching" by Ashlee Simpson

 RUSTY WARREN Bounce Your Boobies (1961)

"The White Album" by Jesse Jackson

I Kill People (2009) JOHN LAJOIE

"Tuba Fun" by The Blowhards

 NATIONAL LAMPOON TONY HENDRA Magical Mysery Tour Genius Is Pain (1972)

"I've Grown Accustomed to His Fist" by Monique and the Masochists

Bobby Brown (1978) FRANK ZAPPA

"Vijay Sings" by Vijay Singh

THE RITZ BROTHERS Let's Go Slumming(1937)

"Islam is or Islam Ain't My Baby" by Hassan Ben Sober

Wet Dream (1984) KIP ADOTTA

"Live at the Lompoc Lounge" by Tony Limo

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: MST3K The HUMAN DUPLICATORS George Nader Richard Kiel MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000, often abbreviated MST3K, is an American cult television comedy series created by Joel Hodgson and produced by Best Brains, Inc. The show premiered on KTMA in Minneapolis, Minnesota on November 24, 1988. It later aired on The Comedy Channel/Comedy Central for another six seasons until its cancellation in 1997. The show was then picked up by the Sci-Fi Channel and aired for another three seasons until its final cancellation in August 1999.

 

The show mainly features a man and his robot sidekicks who are imprisoned on a space station by an evil scientist and forced to watch a selection of bad movies, as part of a psychological experiment, and frequently preceded by short public-domain non-educational films. To stay sane, the man and his robots provide a running commentary on each film, making fun of its flaws, and wisecracking their way through each reel in the style of a movie-theater peanut gallery. Each film is presented with a superimposition of the man and robots' silhouettes along the bottom of the screen. The film is interspersed with skits tied into the theme of the film being watched or the episode as a whole.

Hodgson originally played the stranded man, Joel Robinson, for four and a half seasons. When Hodgson left in 1993, series head writer Michael J. Nelson replaced him as new victim Mike Nelson and continued in the role for the rest of the show's run. The robots, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, and Gypsy, are puppets created from a variety of household objects, manipulated and voiced by other cast members who rotated over the course of the show's run.

During its eleven years, which produced 197 episodes and one feature film, MST3K attained critical acclaim. The series won a Peabody Award in 1993, was nominated for two Emmy Awards (in the category of Outstanding Individual Achievement in Writing for a Variety or Music Program) in 1994 and 1995, and was nominated for a CableACE Award. In 2007, James Poniewozik listed Mystery Science Theater 3000 as one of Time magazine's "100 Best TV Shows of All-Time."

The Human Duplicators is an American science fiction film released in 1965 by independent company Woolner Brothers Pictures Inc.  The plot involves a giant alien named Dr. Kolos (Richard Kiel) who is dispatched to Earth from a faraway galaxy on orders to create android doppelgängers by employing the scientific services of hypnotized cyberneticist Prof. Vaughn Dornheimer (George Macready). This mission of colonization is thwarted not by the FBI agents sent to investigate but by him falling in love with the scientist's beautiful blind niece Lisa (Dolores Faith).  This film was also Hugh Beaumont's final film role before his retirement from acting.

An alien is dispatched from a faraway galaxy to take over the Earth by "duplicating" humans and creating a race of zombies resembling animated pottery in this low-budget sci-fi film.  Enjoy the opening and closing shots of the alien spacecraft resembling a Christmas tree bauble dancing in space, the faces of the "duplicated" humans shattering like a cheap vase when thrown to the floor, and the formative "duplicates" as they are cooked up in the lab in individual coffins.  The alien's heart is softened by the persevering goodness of a beautiful blind woman, deeply conflicting his motives as the film plods to its "climactic" confrontation between the humans and their counterfeit duplicates.

JOEL HODGSON (Joel Robinson)   MICHAEL J NELSON (Mike Nelson)   KEVIN MURPHY (Tom Servo; Professor Bobo)   TRACE BEAULIEU (Dr Clayton Forrester)   J ELVIS WEINSTEIN (Dr Laurence Erhardt)   FRANK CONNIFF (TV's Frank)   BILL CORBETT (Crow T Robot; Brain Guy)   MARY JO PEHL (Pearl Forrester)

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

QUANTIFY YOUR LIFE

Remember- 38% of all percentages are made up

the number of people who, when alone with a xerox machine, photocopied their butts versus the number of people who, when alone with a xerox machine, photocopies their butt- then wiped off the glass

the number of plastic cups of cheap beer you drank in college versus the number of bottles of imported beer

the number of frozen margaritas it takes for a student nurse to go back to your place versus the number it'll take for you to go back to her fat friend's place

the number of women you've slept with versus the number of women you've told your buddies you've slept with versus the number of times you've masturbated

DOUCHEBAGS IN ED HARDY TEE-SHIRTS

the number of good deeds a boy scout must do per day versus the number of good deeds a girl scout must do*

*to realize this is to understand the difference between men and women

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

FRIDAY NIGHT MOVIE: THE MILLION EYES OF SU MURU (1967) George Nader Frankie Avalon Shirley Eaton

The Million Eyes of Su Muru is a 1967 British spy film produced by Harry Alan Towers, directed by Lindsay Shonteff and filmed at the Shaw Brothers studios in Hong Kong. It stars Frankie Avalon and George Nader, with Shirley Eaton (Jill Masterson in Goldfinger) as the titular Sumuru. It was based on a series of novels by Sax Rohmer (Fu Manchu) about a megalomaniac femme fatale. The film was released in the USA by American International Pictures on 17 May 1967.

George Nader as Agent Nick West

Frankie Avalon as Agent Tommy Carter

(with Annette Funicello)

Shirley Eaton as Su Muru

Wilfrid Hyde-White as Colonel Sir Anthony Baisbrook

Klaus Kinski as President Boong

Also Appearing:  Patti Chandler as Louise; Salli Sachse as Mikki; Ursula Rank as Erno; Krista Nell as Zoe; Maria Rohm as Helga Martin; Paul Chang as Inspector Koo; Essie Huang as Kitty; Jon Fong as Colonel Medika

And Also:  Denise Davreux; Mary Cheng; Jill Hamilton; Lisa Gray; Margaret Cheung; and Louise Lee as Sumuru Guards

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.

FUNERAL ETIQUETTE

WHAT NOT TO BRING TO A FUNERAL:

balloons and a joy buzzer


a date


one of those crossword puzzle digest magazines


your pet chimp


Kentucky Fried Chicken


a necrophile


Rip Taylor


video recording equipment


Chinese acrobats


the deceased's doppelganger


a Voodoo Priestess from Haiti

WHAT NO FUNERAL SHOULD BE WITHOUT:

a dead body


a mirror to hold under the deceased's nose just to be sure


a coffin or urn


an old woman dressed in black and wailing at the coffin in a language other than English


an unresolved grudge


powdered sugar*


*Editor's note: MR.E. may be thinking of "funnel cakes"**


**MR.E.'s note to Editor: I was!


a sexy second cousin you can stare at while you pretend to pray


a sexy second cousin who understands that the legal definition of incest does not include cousins


a chalice of fresh lamb's blood with which to toast the deceased


a clown (you can't spell "funeral" without "fun")

WHAT NOT TO MENTION IN A EULOGY:

Instances of parental favoritism, unpaid loans, and social snubs


That once you're cleared as the number one suspect, you'll assist the police in finding the deceased's real killer


"Even though the head has yet to have been located..."


How fortunate his widow has been to have had her tennis instructor Raoul by her side during these trying days


The particular kind of pornography they found on the deceased's computer


"Though his body may turn to dust, his artificial penis will forever remain."


The deceased would want you to have his golf clubs


That you need a ride home


"Good riddance."

COPYRIGHT 2007-2014 OH BOY! 3LAWNVIEWAGOGO / ALL RIGHTS RESERVED MR.E.

ED SPRINGSTEAD, JR.